Flying South
by Luffy's booty
Summary: Zoro confronts a marine that boarded the Sunny in the dead of the night, and before he can finish them off, they are spared by Sanji before mysteriously turning into stone. Robin notices that there is something strange about this marine who came alone despite being no where near a marine base or battle ship, but Luffy is curious and wants to know more about their power...
1. A Rock in the Storm

" _180 pound_ … PHOENIX," Zoro's muffled yell startled Sanji who was testing out new recipes in the kitchen. The Sunny shook violently under the combined force of Zoro's attack and the tumult of the midnight storm. Sanji sucked his teeth agitatedly and turned the stove on low before going outside to tell off the swordsman.

"Oi! What the fuck do you think you're doing marimo?! It's late and you're going to wake Nami san and Robin chan with all of that shitty noise!"

"Good," Zoro yelled over the throes of the storm as the Sunny jerked again. "Let 'em wake up- tell 'em the marines are here."

Sanji sighed and took out a fresh cigarette to light. Taking one long drag, he exhaled and looked up at Zoro who was intently scanning the night sky. "Oi…" he laughed softly. "This shouldn't be something that we need to wake the entire crew over, right? One… if you're feeling tired… maybe two pirates should be enough to get the job done."

"I think you might be right about that," Sanji heard the dark sneer in the swordsman's response. " _One is more than enough!"_

"Sure, sure! Just keep it down." Sanji turned to the kitchen door.

"It'd be quiet if you would keep your damn mouth shut once in a while," Zoro retorted through the sword in his mouth. Shutting the door, Sanji returned to the broth that was now happily simmering on the stove. As he started to wash some carrots in the sink, he noticed someone fall from the sky towards Zoro's blades which were glinting in the night with the same bloodlust that the Straw hats often saw in their owner's eye. Sanji snickered to himself.

"Not your lucky day, is it, Marine san? You could've at least come while he was napping which is like any other time of the day… oh… but then you'd have to fight me instead which is about the same thing." Taking the carrots out of the sink he lined them up on the cutting board. He glanced back at Zoro who had sliced the intruder out of the air, too impatient to wait for them to land. "How unl…l…LA…LADY?!" The intruder had risen, their limbs shaking violently, hesitantly taking a step back from Zoro as he advanced like a crouching tiger, all three swords on the offense. A flash of lightening revealed an enraged caramel face that was streaked with blood and rain, long damp black curls, and what looked like a green and gold cape that adorned the muscles of a trained fighter. She stumbled as she tried to take a step back and just as Zoro lifted his swords to deal a finishing blow, Sanji kicked the kitchen door down, leapt, spun in the night's thunder, and landed a flaming leg on Zoro's head.

"ZOOOOOOOROOOOOOO!"

Zoro yanked the sword out of his mouth and whipped around to face the fuming cook. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, FUCK BROW?!"

"A LADY, YA DAMN MARIMO, A _LADY_?! WHY ARE YOU CUTTING DOWN A CUTE LADY LIKE THAT?!"

"SHE'S A MARINE DUMBASS, WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"

"YOU COULD'VE VERY GENTLY TAKEN HER PRISONER!"

"WE DON'T TAKE PRISONERS ON THIS SHIP!"

"WE DON'T HURT LADIES ON THIS SHIP!"

"OH YEAH?! YOU WANNA TELL LUFFY YOU'RE GOING EASY ON A MARINE THAT INVADED OUR SHIP AND PROBABLY HAS MORE FRIENDS WAITING FOR US?!"

"YOU WANNA TELL CHOPPER TO COME OUT HERE SO HE'LL BE READY TO PATCH YOU UP ONCE I FILLET YOUR GREEN, SHITTY, DRUNK, _GOOD FOR NOTHING_ A- "

"No one's coming! I… I promise!" the Marine coughed from the floor of the deck. "Just please… let me go… I didn't mean to fall on your ship!"

"I understand, my love." Sanji who had quite literally been butting heads with Zoro a moment before, was now on one knee before the fallen intruder, softly kissing her bloody hand. "I know I'm not worth it, but please find it within your beautiful heart to forgive me- if I had known that it was you who had blessed our ship with your presence, I would never have let that _filthy_ pirate harm you."

"You're a pirate too, _idiot,"_ Zoro growled in front of the two.

" _Pirate_ …? You two are… pirates" she panted.

"You must be dense… you really didn't notice?" Zoro smirked and pointed his sword at the sky as a bolt of lightning briefly illuminated a black flag, its skull and crossbones proudly sporting a straw hat.

The intruder gazed through bleary eyes at the Jolly Roger fluttering in the rain. "Pirates…"' she spat, her whole body quaking. Yanking her hand out of Sanji's, she staggered to her feet. She raised her gory fists and glared at Zoro as she swayed precariously under her own dead weight. She struggled to speak "Give… me…"

"More? _Gladly~_ " Zoro purred, returning his sword to his mouth.

"…My…" the marine almost fell over before reassuming her fighting stance.

"I don't know what you're going on about, but I'll make sure you're satisfied this time."

"Oi- ZORO WAIT!" Sanji yelled, but before he could stand again, Wado, Shusui, and Kitetsu had completed a pristinely lethal Tora Gari, but instead of meeting flesh, they ricocheted off of a 6 foot boulder like object that stood where the heavily wounded woman was just seconds before.

"What the…" Zoro muttered through Wado's hilt as Sanji gave him a swift roundhouse kick to the back of the neck.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BEAUTIFUL LADY, JACKASS?!"

"I DIDN'T DO SHIT!"

"THEN WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ROCK- SHIT?!"

"HELL IF I KNOW, I WAS JUST GONNA CUT HER!"

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO CUT HER WHEN I TOLD YOU NOT TO?!"

"I DON'T TAKE ORDERS FROM YOU, SHIT COOK, SO YOU CAN GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR PANTS AND LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE HERE!"

" _YOU_ OF ALL PEOPLE ARE TELLING _ME_ TO THINK?!"

"WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?!"

" _DIABLE JAMBLE…"_ Sanji rekindled his leg and Zoro whipped his swords to rid them of the blood so that they would be ready for their new prey. Before they could lunge, the door to the boy's dorm slammed open.

"SAAAAAAAAANJIIIIIIIIIIII! FOOOOOOOOOOOD!" Luffy shuffled out of the room rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Blearily staring at the deck, he seemed to notice the huge rock getting drenched in the storm.

"AH! WHAT'S THAT?!" Stretching his arms, he got a grip on the ledge of the ship and snapped over to the structure, smacking into the two to send Sanji and Zoro flying into the sea. He knocked on the boulder like thing. "Hmmmmm…. Hello~~~ anybody home~~~? Hmmmmm…. It's a mystery rock!"

"IT'S A MYSTERY WE HAVEN'T KILLED YOU YET!" Zoro and Sanji shouted in unison as they strained to board the swaying ship again. Once on board, they landed a solid punch that would have cracked the skull of a normal human, but, unfortunately, the rubber boy simply bounced off the wall and back to their feet.

"SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI! My bad!" he crawled closer to the boulder and sniffed it. "Sanji… cook this."

"LIKE HELL, DUMBASS!" Sanji sent him flying again.

"But I'm hungryyyyyyy!"

"I'll make you something else, but we don't cook ladies, Luffy."

"The rock is a lady? Sorry Boulder san, I didn't know…"

"No Luffy, she's inside of it," Zoro unsheathed Wado Ichimonji and pointed it at the structure. "And she's a marine."

"MARINE?!" So this boulder is a bad guy?! Oi, Boulder San! Get the hell off of Sunny!" Luffy got up and turned on Zoro. "ZORO! What the hell?! You were on watch- why'd you let a marine stay here?!"

"I DIDN'T LET HER! SHE CAME OUT OF THE SKY AND THE IDIOT COOK STOPPED ME WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO FINISH HER OFF!"

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, YOU DON'T FINISH OFF LADIES! IF YOU WANT SOMETHING FINISHED OFF, I'LL FINISH YOU OFF RIGHT NOW!"

"FINE LET'S GO, SHIT BROW!"

"SWORD JERK!"

"I'M HUNGRYYYYYYYYY!"

"NOBODY CARES!" Zoro and Sanji snapped at Luffy again. The library door suddenly opened and Robin's head peeked out.

"Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, come inside. It's raining really hard and you'll catch a cold like that," she paused and turned to the mysterious object on the ground. "Bring Boulder- Marine san too, please."

"AYE, AYE ROBIN CHWAN! ROBIN CHWAN IS SO COMPASSIONATE!"

Hoisting the marine onto his shoulder, Zoro and the others headed to the library.

"Oi! Don't just carry her like a potato sack! If I find a single crack in that boulder, I will end you!"

"Shut up, I know what I'm doing!"

"Saaaaanjiiiiii, can you _make_ potatoes?"

"Just wait a minute! Sheesh!"

* * *

Author's note: And that's a wrap for chapter one. Please tell me what you think in reviews! Thanks for reading!


	2. Clipped Wings

Time had placated the storm as the thunder and lightning had left for another sea, the rain was quieter, and the waves tenderly rocked the Sunny like a sleeping child. Robin made the trio leave the rock under her supervision while they changed out of their soaking clothes. After a short while, Sanji came in with a large bowl of fried potatoes in one hand and a tray for tea in the other. He placed the tea on the table, the bowl on the floor- Luffy was no longer allowed to eat at the library table as he ruined several of Nami's cartography books with soy sauce that he accidentally knocked over during a particularly zealous meal time- and sat, legs crossed, next to Robin. Taking out a new cigarette to light, he threw his head back, disheveled blonde hair falling out of his eyes to reveal his weary face, curled eyebrows and all. He lit the cigarette, took a good drag, and then sat up again. "Robin chwan, are you sure you don't want anything to eat?"

"I'm certain. The tea is more than enough. Thank you, Sanji san."

"ANYTHING FOR YOU, SWEETHEART! If I had known you were down here instead of sleeping with Nami san, I would've asked earlier!"

"Would you?" she leaned in on her elbows, her cup of tea cradled in both hands, and laughed softly.

"Absolutely, my dear!"

"How thoughtful," she smiled and took a sip. "It's delicious as always."

"Thank you, that means the world to me!"

"DEEZ TADOES AH AHBUHEEBUHBOWL! (These potatoes are unbelievable!)" Luffy spluttered through chipmunk cheeks.

"Dammit Luffy, don't talk with your mouth full in front of Robin chan!"

"Fu fu fu fu… I don't mind," Robin laughed.

Zoro entered last after a quick shower and sprawled out on the couch in front of the window. He rested his swords between himself and the couch cushions. Sanji glanced up, and then reached down by the leg of the table to pick up a bottle of sake that he had placed in the room before going to change. "Here," he called before throwing the bottle at Zoro who caught it without looking.

"Hmmmmmm…. Probably dirt..." Luffy mumbled at the rock, scratching his head with his fork.

"What is it, Luffy" Robin asked between sips.

"I think boulders eat dirt… but this boulder is a marine, so Sanji don't think about giving her any dirt- I don't care if she's a lady boulder!"

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THE LADY IS INSIDE OF IT?!" Sanji smacked Luffy's head.

"I don't think she could eat in that state even if she wanted to, Luffy," Robin placed the teacup on her saucer and glided toward the curious figure that rested on the ground next to the captain. She knelt and gingerly glided her hand along it. In the library's light, the object appeared to be smooth and shaped like an off kilter 's', with thin and deliberate lines striping the pointier end, and dull spikes on the underside. Gold and brown glistened eerily on the surface and sparkled where the rain still clung to it but there was no trace of the blood stained marine. "I've been studying it while you three were changing, and I'm convinced now that this is a chrysalis."

"Oooh…?" Sanji murmured.

"I'm sure. A chrysalis is a shell that caterpillars form to protect themselves as they transform into butterflies. When their bodies are done changing, they emerge, and the chrysalis is no longer needed.

"Hmmm… So it's a mystery fly!"

"I see…" Zoro muttered through a mouth full of sake.

"How pure and elegant! My fair lady is going to be even more beautiful than she was before! I can't wait to see what color her wings are! I can't imagine a more exquisite hue than her skin though! Oh, how I-"

"Because she is human, it's safe to assume she ate some sort of a devil fruit," Robin interjected, not noticing the cook fawning over how electrifying her brashness was. "The chrysalis is most likely a way for her to heal herself… what's uncertain is how long she will stay in this state before transforming into a butterfly… or whatever it may be. It might be dangerous to keep her on board since we don't know the specifics of how-"

"SHE TRANSFORMS?! I WANT TO SEE IT! I BET SHE HAS LASERS!"

"I BET SHE'S LOVELIER THAN THE MOON!"

"I BET SHE HAS BATTLE WINGS THAT ARE HARD AS STEEL AND A ROCKET ON HER HEAD!"

"Luffy, butterflies unfortunately cannot grow rockets…"

"DO THEY POOP?!"

"Shall we ask her when she emerges?"

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! LUFFY, DON'T ASK MY BUTTERFLY SUCH A NASTY QUESTION!"

"SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI! I CANT WAIT UNTIL SHE POPS OUT! THIS IS GONNA BE SO COOOOL! JUST WAIT UNTIL I TELL USOPP AND CHOPPER! WE CAN-"

"LuffY," Zoro rose, and wiped a thin line of sake off of his chin. "You're forgetting something important."

"Hm?"

"Whether she's some kind of butterfly devil fruit eater or not, she's still a marine and she knows we're pirates. When she gets out of that thing, she's not just gonna wanna chit chat. She made that much clear when she got on the ship."

"Oi marimo, what the hell are you saying?! I thought you said she fell out of the sky?"

"Zoro san, how exactly did you find our marine friend?"

"I was in the crow's nest when I saw her fall out of the sky on to the deck. She crept around a bit before trying to stow away in the engine room. That's when I started fighting her."

"Asshole…" Sanji spat as he put out his cigarette butt in the silver ash tray.

"DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT AGAIN?!"

"IF YOU WERE GONNA ASK THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CHICKENED OUT OF THE LAST FIGHT!"

"I DIDN'T-"

"Zoro san, did she put up a fight?"

"Huh? Oh yeah she immediately went on the offensive… but now that I think about it… something was a bit off… like she was just resuming a fight… or she had just finished one…"

"Hmm… it is strange… A marine ship should have come by now if she was with them or explicitly targeting us. If she was targeting us, launching a one woman aerial attack in the middle of a storm while our ship is anchored is hardly the tactic a marine in the New World would use on a crew such as ours…"

"What are you thinking, Robin chan?"

"If what Zoro said was true- that she had just come from another fight- she must have just escaped from some sort of danger or flew for help and succumbed to her wounds along the way, which made her fall on our ship. If that's the case, she doesn't pose a threat to us as we are currently far away from a marine base and it is impossible to look for a ship on these waters without the accompaniment of another ship with a log pose. She is completely dependent upon us," Robin stood and walked back to her seat to gather her books. "Luffy san, since she is a devil fruit user, it would be cruel to throw her over board. Do you still wish to wait for her transformation?"

"HELL YEAH! I WANNA SEE HER FLY!" Luffy laughed, throwing his salted hands in the air in delight.

Robin smiled. "I see! I'll take her to the medical wing and leave a note for Chopper san for when he wakes up." She walked out the door just as a second Robin blossomed from the library floor. Robin number two lifted the chrysalis and caught up with her creator. "Sweet dreams," they called softly in unison before closing the door.

"SLEEP WELL, MY ARCHANGEL OF GRACE!" Sanji called after the two, blowing kisses at the door.

"Luffy," Zoro said through the last sips of his sake. "What's the plan if she wakes up and wants a fight?"

"Oi, Zoro, you-"

"Shi shi shi… don't worry about that! She's a good guy, right? Robin said so!"

Zoro sucked his teeth and scratched his green hair with the top of the empty bottle. "That isn't what she said…"

"Whatever, I'm going to bed and when I wake up, we're gonna meet the rocket butterfly!"

"Robin said-"

"ZORO, YOU'RE STILL ON DUTY! SANJI, DO SANJI THINGS! I'M GOING TO BED SO I CAN WAKE UP EARLY FOR THE CYBORG FLY! SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHIIIIII!" Luffy bounced to his feet and swung out the room, a blur of red and blue.

Zoro and Sanji sighed before getting to their feet too. Sanji cleared the table and picked up Luffy's oversized bowl as Zoro made his way to the door, swords back in their hilts.

"Oi… marimo kun…" Sanji called after him.

"Tch… what?"

"Worried?" Zoro looked back at the cook who was now following him with the bowl in one hand and the tea tray perfectly balanced on his head. Sanji blew a wispy cloud of cigarette smoke above them and looked the swordsman in the eye. "Well?"

Zoro sighed and half shrugged before answering. "What happens will happen. And if she turns coat," he grinned softly, "I'll unleash three different levels of hell on the Sunny."

Sanji whistled. "Savage," he chuckled. "Just don't hurt her."

Zoro grunted in response and left for the crow's nest.

* * *

Author's Note: You've got some things running through your head right now- please tell me what it is in a review! Was it fun? Boring? Confusing? Easy to follow? I wanna know so tell me in a review. Thanks for reading!


	3. Oh, Bogger

The next morning was surprisingly bright considering the previous night's moody storm. Nami took one whiff of the brisk, morning air which was laced with sea foam and declared that they would soon approach a spring island. Overjoyed at this news, Usopp and Luffy cheered as they ran victory laps around the Sunny. They carried on this way for some time with Usopp brazenly recounting Usopp Chronicle #532, a tale in which he defeated the Battle Axe Baron of North Blue on a spring island that sprouted candy from its trees. Before he could elaborate on his last ditch tactic for baron slaying, an enormous sea king with the head of a black ram broke the waves behind the Sunny and let a terrible roar escape from the pit of its scaly stomach.

"MEEEEEEEEEAT!" Luffy yelled as the ocean rained down on the crew from the beast's sudden emergence. Usopp jumped back and screamed, shakily pointing his black kabuto in the monster's direction, but Luffy took one large bound and leapt in the air. He bit hard on his thumb and grinned at the over grown fish.

"Gomu gomu no…" his fist grew to twice the size of the sea king's head, "GIGANTO PISTOL!" _WHAM,_ the monster went flying on impact and could be heard squealing from the punch, but Luffy didn't let it get far before stretching his arms to drag it back by the horns. "SANJI! I CAUGHT DINNER! SHI SHI SHIII!"

"G- GOOD WORK, LUFFY! YOU FOLLOWED MY PLAN PERFECTLY!" Usopp shouted up at his captain, giving him the thumbs up and a proud smile as all of his extremities shook violently.

"I never knew Usopp san was such a superb strategist," Brook murmured as he sipped his black tea. "Such keen insight is inhuman- it's so chilling that it makes my skin crawl… oh, but I'm a skeleton so I don't have any skin! YOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! "

Along with a set of gigantic knives strapped to either side of his body, Sanji carried a strange assortment of oversized wax paper, a clipboard, and a pen over to where Luffy held the meat captive at the stern near the fish tank. Zoro woke from his third midmorning nap to follow him. "Grilled sea king meat and rice sounds about right for lunch," he yawned.

"I don't take special requests, _marimo-_ you eat what I give you," Sanji hissed.

"Oh, Sanji kun! Can you make me a sea king salad? That would be perfect for this weather!" Nami called down from the garden above.

"Nami, my sweet, I wish I could travel to all the corners of this world to find the finest ingredients for your sea king salad, but even that would not be worthy enough to-"

"SANJI! I WANT BARBEQUE!" Luffy laughed, the unconscious animal still in his grasp.

"Luffy, don't interrupt me for stupid sh-"

"Barbeque?! That sounds great!" Usopp cheered"

"RIGHT?!"

"Oi, curly bro, I'll take my meat SUUUUUUPERRRR fried!"

"I am more partial to Zoro san's suggestion of grilled sea king meat!" Brook chimed in.

"OI, YOU BASTARDS, I _JUST SAID_ I DON'T TAKE ANY SHITTY SPECIAL-"

"Cook san, I'll have a small sandwich with tea," Robin declared.

"I'll make sure your tea is as hot and sweet as the love I feel in my heart for you, Robin chan," Sanji cooed, now kneeling on one knee. "I'll heat it with my passion and flavor it with-"

"Oi, cook."

" _WHAT?!_ "

"This is about… 220… no… 227 kilo," Zoro grunted. The head of the beast was sliced clean off, its morbid face solemnly bobbing in the water. Of the remaining fish, Zoro had hacked off a slice that was as long as his body and about a sixth of a meter thick. He balanced it on the flat side of his swords, to sense its weight, a skill he had acquired from years of weight training.

"Really?! Why is this one so dense?" Sanji mused, scratching his head. "Whatever, I'll find a way to cook it." He walked over to the two and spread a sheet of wax paper on the ground by Zoro. "Drop it." Zoro obeyed and let the cut fall flat onto the paper with a resounding thud, so that Sanji could skin it, and rip out the excess bones. Once he meticulously wrapped up the gigantic fillet, he picked up one of the smaller bones to examine. "Looks like these bones aren't good for anything either. Oi, Luffy, what kind of useless fish did you catch anyway?"

"Eh?! Food is food, and food is never useless!"

"I'll save the bones for Chopper then… maybe he can use them," he shifted the small pile onto another sheet of wax paper before taking out his clipboard. Muttering about the date and the grade of meat, he began jotting information into a neatly arranged chart. Sanji marked the wrapped cut of sea king meat with a number then turned back to Luffy. "All right, hold him still like I showed you, I want even cuts like this one."

"AYE, SIR!" Luffy planted his feet firmly then adjusted himself so that Zoro could get another clean shot. As the monster trio worked on harvesting the sea king meat, Usopp bounced to their side with Brook gallantly tracing his steps, violin in hand.

"I guess it's up to me to keep you scalawags entertained while you work! Brook will provide the mood music for," he spun then struck a pose, "USOPP CHRONICLE NUMBER 968!"

"WOOOOOOO!GO USOPP!" Luffy egged him on.

" _Terror_ … in C minor…" Brook murmured as he began to play a tune that was as smooth and haunting as the Calm Belt.

"No one wants to hear this shit," Sanji commented without looking up from his work.

"THAT'S FUNNY, SANJI KUN! Because I thought _you_ of all people would like to hear the tale of how the mighty USOPP SAMA saved the life of the only man to sail _the_ All Blue!"

"All Blue, huh…" Sanji muttered.

"THE ONE AND ONLY! AND! ZORO KUN! This tale might interest you too! It surprised me that the sailor even needed saving in the first place since he was known for his _world class_ SWORDSMANSHIP!"

"Oh really?" Zoro said, taking another clean slice out of the poor beast. "Sounds like an interesting guy."

"Not as interesting as you and certainly not as interesting as me- THE MANLY USOPP SAMA! THE MAN WHO MANAGED TO EFFORTLESSLY SLAY THE GOLDEN DEMON OF ALL BLUE! HE WAS TEN THOUSAND METERS TALL WITH FLAMES SHOOTING FROM HIS-"

The door to the sick bay swung open to reveal a sullen Chopper in his medical garb.

"OH, CHOPPER! HOW IS SANA?!" Luffy inquired. (Sana is a play on "sanagi" さなぎwhich is Japanese for chrysalis)

"Not… not good."

"W…what?" Luffy, crestfallen, almost let the half harvested sea king fall into the ocean before catching it again.

Robin and Nami had descended to the stern area when they heard the news. Franky moved in as well to hear more.

"Chopper, why don't you come over and explain her condition to us?" Robin gently called.

When they were all together, Chopper plopped down at Usopp's feet and pouted.

"Her condition… is complicated. There are so many things going on that I don't even know where to start…" Chopper anxiously tugged at his pink hat. Usopp sat down next to him and gave him a reassuring pat. "Well… her chrysalis is almost as tough as iron- no doubt a product of her devil fruit powers. I didn't want to break it because that could've killed her. I'm not sure exactly how this function of her devil fruit works, but if she's changing right now, she's too volatile to have her chrysalis forcibly removed…. If she's not changing, she's using it for another purpose- most likely to heal herself-so again, taking her out would do more harm than good."

"So there's nothing you can do?" Usopp asked.

"Well, not exactly. Her chrysalis is tough, but I have a few special needles that are able to safely pierce it without causing infection or any significant changes in its structure. I managed to gather some information to understand her body better…"

"And?" Sanji nervously prompted the doctor.

"She has Bogger's blood," Chopper despondently squeaked.

"I see…" Luffy gravely responded. "She should've picked her boogers out…"

"NOT BOOGERS, YA BASTARD! IT'S BOGGER'S!" Chopper shouted, growing three times his size in anger.

"AND SANA CHAN DOESN'T PICK HER NOSE, YOU SHITTY RUBBER!" Sanji dug his heel into Luffy's skull.

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT! SANA DOESN'T HAVE A NOSE RIGHT NOW SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE WOULD DO WITH ONE!"

"SHE DEFINITELY WOULDN'T STOOP TO YOUR LEVEL AND DO SOMETHING SO REPULSIVE AS-"

"CAN IT YOU TWO, THE DOCTOR'S TALKING!" Nami drilled her knuckles into both of their skulls. "Go on, Chopper."

"Thanks, Nami… Bogger's blood is unique to a certain region in North Blue. It's caused by drinking water that has been contaminated by the Bogger fish. The thing about this fish is that it's scales in small amounts and if prepared a certain way can cure over a hundred different diseases."

"So if it's such a super fish, why did it make Sanagi-sis sick?" Franky asked.

"That's because the Bogger fish's scales are only harmless in small, carefully treated portions. There is a certain region of North Blue that is extremely susceptible to overpopulation of Bogger fish in their waters. Fishermen usually have a meticulous system of catching them before they can swim in from the ocean, but sometimes, they can't catch as many as they need to. When this happens, the fish swim in to the islands' rivers and lakes, breed quickly, and cause an infestation that make the water undrinkable because of the toxins in their scales."

"So Sana must've unknowingly had some toxic water on an island in North Blue," Nami exclaimed.

"It seems so. The locals are accustomed to the Bogger fish problem and have alternative means of getting clean water when this happens, but sometimes, visitors can get sick and they won't know it until days later when the toxins start taking effect. Symptoms include a high fever, chills, extreme anxiety and sometimes hematidrosis- a condition that makes you sweat blood- because the toxins are so harsh on the body that it causes unbearable stress."

"Oi, oi, oi… Chopper…" Sanji took a greedy drag on a cancer stick and blew silver clouds in the air. "Is there anything good about this diagnosis?"

"Well Bogger's blood is usually fatal- people who get it usually die within a week or so, but it seems that Sana had been receiving a makeshift treatment that had stabilized her condition. I decided to start the same treatment over to make her a little more comfortable. That's good but her blood work is showing me that she might have suffered some serious injuries on top of that…" Chopper shrank back to his normal size and tugged his hat over his eyes. "I don't know what her injuries are and I can't get to them through the chrysalis so I can only give her basic treatment right now…"

"You can't _cure_ the Bogger's blood?" Nami asked.

"No, not with the medicine I have. Bogger's blood is really rare and so is the cure. I need the leaves of three different plants that come from completely different islands. All three can be bought, but just one of them is more expensive than we can afford. On top of that, if we get all three, preparing the medicine is very difficult and takes at least a week according to the most recent medical journals… I've never made a medication this labor intensive before-"

"There's a cure?" Luffy interrupted.

"Yes… but-" Chopper hesitated.

"If we can cure her, she'll be well enough for you to treat her injuries, right?"

"Maybe… if-"

"Well then we're gonna cure her!"

"Luffy-"

"I wanna see her fly!"

"Yes, but-"

"As long as we can get all three of those leaves within a few days, it should be fine. After all, she's got the best doctor in the world looking after her!"

"L-Luffy… YA BIG DUMB BASTARD, SAYING SHIT LIKE THAT WON'T MAKE ME HAPPY!" Chopper sang, and skipped in a circle.

"What a classic, groundless statement," Nami sighed.

"That's our captain!" Robin chuckled.

"Oi, Chopper, where can we find these leaves?" Nami asked, looking at her log pose.

"One can be found on all spring islands, one on all summer islands, and one on all fall islands," Chopper paused in mid skip to answer, "They flower at the same time of year, but looking for them is like trying to find a four leaf clover because all three of them are actually rare mutations of a more common plant."

"Well if it's a spring island we want, then we're in luck because we'll be landing at one shortly," Nami beamed.

" _OH_! YOU'RE WEEK IS ABOUT TO GET SUUUUUUUUPERRRRRRR, SANAGI-SIS!" Franky cheered while striking his signature pose.

"Chopper, we'll get those leaves, so the rest is up to you!" said Luffy as he turned back to the half hacked sea king.

"AYE, SIR!" Chopper chirped, hurrying back to the sick bay.

"Wait, Chopper! What do you want for lunch?" Sanji called after the scuttling reindeer.

"I'll have what Luffy is having!" he answered without stopping."

"Got it! TELL SANA CHAN WE'LL CURE HER EVEN IF IT KILLS US!"

"You could die right now, I think it'd help her out," Zoro teased.

"SHUT UP, and start slicing the meat about twice the size as the other cuts- the thicker ones will be for Luffy… you do know what twice means right? It means two times as much… like two times the amount of brain you have would be zero."

"Like two times the amount of holes I'm gonna put in you would be too many for you to count," Zoro retorted, pointing two swords at the cook.

" _OR_ , LIKE TWO TIMES-"

"SAAAAANJIIIII, I'M _TOO_ HUNGRY, WHEN CAN YOU COOK THIS?!"

"Just wait! We're almost done!"

After dividing up the sea king meat and carefully documenting its stats, Sanji, Zoro, and Luffy carried the fresh cuts into the kitchen. A little less than an hour later, the Straw hats sat down to an energetic lunch, with Usopp continuing Usopp Chronicle number 968 from where he left off, and Luffy wondering out loud if Sana could poop in her chrysalis. Sanji slapped him, and then took a plate of barbequed sea king meat to the sick bay where Chopper was still monitoring the marine's condition.

"Thanks, this looks yummy!"

"Of course," Sanji muttered through his cigarette. He gazed at the chrysalis propped up on the bed, with three IVs piercing its surface. Sighing, he sat on the edge of the bed and gently rested his hand on the marine's iron shield.

"We're going to cure her, Sanji, I promise!" Chopper assured him through cheeks bursting with barbeque.

The cook laughed and got up to leave. He stuck his head back in before closing the door. "I know you will, Chopper."

* * *

Author's note: This is when I start introducing head canons I guess. I'm sure Sanji is really meticulous about the way they store their sea king meat and he always gets Luffy and Zoro to help because it's just easier that way... anyways! Tell me what you think in a review please! I'm also very interested to know what your head canons are? I might agree with them and incorporate them somehow! As always, thanks for bearing with me and this story!


	4. Set on Sutlers

Lunch was sublime as usual. Sanji put his culinary expertise to work and found a way to make the dense sea king meat melt in the Straw Hats' mouths. Slicing it thin, and soaking it in a special marinade, he served up everyone's special request with flair. Everyone, excluding Chopper who was hard at work in the sick bay, retired to the lawn deck to sit in a lazy circle for drinks. Nami set her tankard down and pulled out a book Chopper had given her before lunch. She opened it to a page that was saved and held it up so that the rest could see.

"Listen up," she commanded. All of them turned to face her. "This is what the spring plant looks like, according to Chopper. It's called the moon hip. Since we will be landing at a spring island very soon, you should know what you're looking for, got it?"

The others nodded as they carefully studied the little flower that looked as if it had its hands on its hips. It had a round, fluffy white head and a blue stem with two pale leaves that looked like little hands. "If you find it, don't tell anybody on the island what you're up to because this guy fetches a pretty high price in the pharmaceutical market. We don't want anyone trying to steal it away from us, especially since it's so rare to begin with."

"How much are we talking about, Nami san?" Sanji asked.

"The cheapest is about 20 million beri but prices can get as steep as 80 million beri."

"How much do we have in savings?" Robin inquired between sips.

"4 thousand… and we need to save a thousand for food and cola, at least 2 thousand so Chopper can keep treating her for the time span he estimated… and we need to keep at least a thousand for emergencies at all times…. we don't have any money to spare right now."

"This is crazy! How are we going to get the other two? We don't exactly have time to sail around hoping we find a summer and fall island, and we definitely can't buy it even if we did find it in stores!" Usopp complained.

"Well, we don't know what we'll have to work with until we land at the island! We can't give up yet because we might get lucky and-"

 _BAM_! A loud crash cut Nami off in midsentence as the Sunny was violently bumped from behind so that the figurehead of the ship jolted forward to toss the Straw Hats in the sea.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Sanji resurfaced first and shook his sopping hair out of his face. Zoro broke the surface with Luffy and Brook slung over either of his shoulders, Franky followed with Robin in his arms, and Usopp and Nami bobbed up last, Usopp frantically kicking and screaming with Nami crying and clinging to him. "NAMI SAN, ROBIN CHAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!"

"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" Usopp cried.

"USOPP, HURRY UP AND GET ME ON BOARD!" Nami pleaded.

"That was suuuuuperrrr unexpected…." Franky said, spewing seawater out of his mouth.

"Do you think it was an enemy ship?" Zoro addressed the cyborg.

"I don't know if they're enemies, but look at that flag!"

A colossal black flag with a sloppy red cross painted on it blanketed the sky as a merchantman ship glided into view on the opposite side of the Sunny which was significantly dwarfed in comparison to the newcomer. The cross was obviously a shabby cover up for the worn skull and cross bones underneath it. Splintered wood and small holes decorated the ship's sides, and the metal parts, upon closer inspection, appeared to be rusted over.

"Oi…" Zoro muttered in wonder.

"Their shipwright should have his ass kicked- I mean would you _look_ at the state of that thing?!" Franky critiqued.

"Are they pirates… or…?"

"GUYS I SUDDENLY GOT I-CAN'T-BE SEEN-BY-THIS-SCARY-SHIP DISEASE, SO IM GOING TO LEAVE THIS TO YOU AND-"

"I HAVE THE DISEASE TOO, I'M GOING WITH USOPP!"

"NAMI SWAN, I'LL CARRY YOU ON BOARD!"

"USOPP, HURRY!"

"CARRY YOURSELF, I'M GETTING ON BOARD TO HIDE AS FAST AS I CAN! ZORO SAID THAT WAS AN ENEMY SHIP!"

" _USOPP_ , _NO!_ TAKE ME WITH YOU!"

"JUMP INTO MY ARMS, NAMI SWAN!"

They all struggled to crawl back onto the Sunny, lugging the dead weight of the devil fruit users with them. Zoro laid Luffy on his back and then stepped firmly on his over-distended belly to make the seawater rocket out of his mouth.

"HELP I'M DROWNING!" he coughed once he was conscious again. Robin and Brook slowly sat up, moaning wearily.

"OH SHIT! CHOPPER! IS SANA CHAN ALRIGHT?!" Sanji desperately yelled towards the sick bay, Nami still quivering in his arms. Chopper emerged panting from the infirmary.

"I think so! I can't be sure of her actual condition when I can't see her body so you guys shouldn't rough house like that!" he chided.

"That wasn't us! That merchantman rammed the Sunny hard!" Sanji explained. "Some shitty navigator they have!" He set Nami down on her feet, and tried to give her a warm embrace that she aggressively rejected.

"Huh…?" Chopper turned and looked up at the ship. Several of its crew members could be seen frantically running around and screaming to each other. A man in a lab coat rushed up to the helm to slap senseless the man who was supposedly steering. "Guys… GUYS THIS IS A MEDICAL SUTLER SHIP!"

"Huh?!" Everyone collectively wondered.

"A sutler usually sells to pirates on land, but for some reason, these guys are on a ship! And their flag means they sell drugs and medical equipment!

"Now that I see their flag, Chopper is right. This might be the lucky break we've been looking for." Robin rasped, still recovering from drowning.

"And since they rammed us, they'll be forced to give us a _discount_ ," Nami cackled gleefully, her eyes shining like golden beris.

"What kind of discounts are you expecting? We have no money to spend…" Usopp commented.

"That settles it," she ignored him, "I'll go over to negotiate prices, Luffy and Sanji will come with me, and- Zoro- you should stay here with the others just in case anything happens.

"Aye… aye…" Luffy weakly chanted from underneath Zoro's boot.

"Again… what kind of discount are you expecting?"

"100%!"

"Of course."

"I wouldn't get too happy," Zoro warned, "Those skull and crossbones are still pretty visible. There's no telling if these guys are the real deal or an enemy."

"That's why I'll have Luffy and Sanji with me so let's just-"

"Nami, wait!" Chopper shouted. Carrying another large book, he jumped down to the lawn deck and ran over to Nami. He opened it and showed her two different plants from the moon hip they saw earlier. One was long, ruby red and resembled the blade of a sword while the other was a stout shrub with round green and white striped leaves. "Even if they don't have the moon hip, they might have the other two, so look out for them! The red one is devil's tongue and the green one is potbelly weed."

"I see…"

"Don't let them fool you either! The devil's tongue and potbelly weed both have characteristics that-"

"Chopper," Nami chimed. "You don't think anyone can swindle _me_ out of _my_ money do you?"

"N- no!"

"How are they going to swindle you out of your money if you don't intend to pay them in the first place?!"

"Relax, _I've got this all under control_!" Nami sneered and flipped her fiery hair out of her face. Determined, she made a fist and turned to the others. "Luffy! Wake up, you're stretching us over there!"

"Okaaaaay…" Luffy stood on shaky feet and stretched his left hand over to grab the edge of the merchantman. Wrapping his other arm around Sanji and Nami, he pulled them close to him and snapped them to the other side. Nami managed to land elegantly on her feet, but the other two barreled into several sailors that were still frantically dashing about the deck.

"WE'VE CRASHED, WE'VE CRASHED!"

"RIGHT INTO THE BACK OF A SHIP!"

"WHAT IF THEY WERE MARINES?!"

"WE'RE GONNA GET ARRESTED!"

"WHAT IF THEY WERE PIRATES?!"

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

"NO STUPID, _WE'RE_ PIRATES!"

"NOT ANYMORE WE'RE NOT!"

"THEY'RE GONN KILL US!"

Tending to no particular task, over a hundred or so men in lab coats zipped around their war beaten deck, screaming their heads off. One of the few sailors who weren't wearing lab coats seemed to be petrified at the helm, their hands still on the wheel, and their eyes bulging in shock at the Sunny. It was as if he still couldn't believe he hit it, even though there was another man in a lab coat yelling at him for his mistake. It was the same man who slapped him silly before- his face was stubbly and tired with a pair of round, wire rimmed glasses adorning his short nose, and his long grayish hair was tied into a ponytail that snaked down his back. He wasn't wearing a shirt under the lab coat which framed a large tattoo of a dragon wearing a crown and smoking a cigar on his chest. The man slapped the helmsmen again before throwing him on the ground.

"Rough place… they're all a bunch of dumbasses too…" Sanji noted, taking out a fresh cigarette.

"SHI SHI SHI SHI! THESE GUYS ARE WEIRD!" Luffy chuckled, his strength at a hundred percent again. "Oi! Gekido ossan!" he shouted at the tattooed man. (Gekido げきど= rage in Japanese)

Shocked, the man paused in the middle of curb stomping the helmsman to look at Luffy. "God, oh god, oh god…" he muttered nervously. Everyone on the deck stopped sprinting and turned to stare at the three pirates. Now that everyone was still, it was clear to see that everyone but three crew members was wearing a lab coat with no shirt underneath to showcase slightly different tattoos. They all had graying hair and a tired expression, but there were subtle differences in each, almost as if they were related. The crew members that were not in a lab coat included the portly helmsmen who was still lying on the deck, a short, young girl with messy purple hair and a clipboard overflowing with paper, and another lanky man who was sporting a bird's nest on his head. The man who beat the helmsman squealed like a child when Luffy stretched his hand over to pick him up by the collar and hold him in front of him. "God, oh god, _oh_ _god_!"

"Gekido Ossan…"

"Y-yes…?"

"Why'd you crash into Sunny?"

"Who?"

Luffy turned the old sailor around so that he could see the Sunny. "See? That's Sunny," he turned the man back to his face, "Why did you crash into her?"

"Oh god, oh god, oh god- _NO_! I assure you… that was an _accident_! Heath… our helmsman is a very experienced navigator, but for some reason, he is overcome with extreme anxiety whenever something appears on the course he has set for the ship… it is quite the short coming for a navigator…" he chuckled nervously.

"It was an accident? I see," Luffy dropped the man on his knees.

"Your helmsman can't navigate around things that are right in front of him? _Pathetic_ …" Nami huffed, crossing her arms.

"Nami swan, you're so beautiful when you're judgmental!"

"Oh god, it hurts when such a lovely dove," he crawled over to Nami to kiss her feet, "says such mean-" Nami bunted him in the mouth in Sanji's direction who kicked him with the force of a bullet across the length of the ship.

"NAMI SWAN I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE TO WORK THAT CLOSELY TO YOU! THAT WAS OUR KICK COMBO OF LOVE!"

"HAHAHAHAHAAAA!"Luffy guffawed and pointed at the man on all fours struggling to find his glasses. Finally finding them, he donned them and was instantly snatched back into place by Luffy's stretching arm.

"God, oh god, oh god, I assure you that if there is _anything_ \- anything at all we can do to reconcile this situation…"

"Oh, I don't know! You really hit us hard there and some of our friends were seriously hurt when they were tossed overboard…" Nami sighed dramatically. "Our doctor is up to his neck in work right now because of your crappy navigator, and we just don't have enough medicine to cut it…"

The man nervously wrung his hands at her words and then looked around at his crew, all of whom were standing in the same position they were earlier when they first stopped running around. "D-DISMISSED! ALL HANDS BELOW DECK! NOW!"

"HIT THE DECK!"

"NO, HE SAID _BELOW_ THE DECK!"

"MOVE IT!"

"WE'RE DISMISSED!"

"IS IT SUPPER?!"

"NO, HE DISMISSED US, TIME TO GO!"

"BUT I'M HUNGRY!"

" _MOVE_ _IT!_ "

The crew rushed for the door in a sea of over a hundred lab coats and soon disappeared below leaving the girl, the helmsman, and the man with the bird's nest alone with their friend and his three visitors.

"Looks like we've found the captain," Nami purred, "Am I right?"

"God, oh god, oh god, you are correct. Allow me to introduce myself…" Luffy released his collar again. "My name is Xavier Crow, sea king hunter extraordinaire and captain of this rag tag crew- THE DRAGON FANG PI- ahem… pardon me- we've long since retired from the life of crime-"

"Long… long… looooong since…" Heath, the helmsman moaned from the floor.

"I miss those days…" the man with the birds nest groaned.

"Honestly, it's been about a month or two," the purple girl corrected as she checked a scrappy sheet of paper on her clipboard.

"OH GOD, SILENCE, YOU _FOOLS_!" Xavier bellowed. Obviously incensed, he cleared his throat and started again. "As I was _saying_ … we have long since retired from the life of crime. We are now traveling pharmacists, and we sell medicine to those at sea who may need it!" He gestured with a flourish to the other three standing behind him. "That brings me to my…most _trusted_ crew members. I've introduced you to Heath, our helmsman and navigator…"

"Good day," Heath hastily stood up to greet them, his face completely swollen and his white vest smattered with blood.

"That gentleman over there is our treasurer, Barrow…"

"Lovely meeting you," the lanky man tipped his bird's nest in their direction, catching several eggs in his hand before they fell to their demise.

"And last but certainly not least is my younger sister, the little lady in charge of inventory, Scout Crow…"

"Sup," Scout acknowledged them without looking up from her clipboard.

"SHOW SOME HOSPITALITY, YA LITTLE RUNT!" Xavier punted his glasses at his little sister, and Barrow caught them before they hit her.

"I caught them for you, Cap'!" he tossed them back to Xavier.

"You… weren't… SUPPOSED TO!" he pelted them back and hit Barrow square in the head. He turned back to Luffy, Nami and Sanji, closed his eyes, and took several deep breaths. "God, oh god, oh god…" he breathed. "Well… now that you've been acquainted with my most trusted employees, you should have an idea of how truly good natured we are. We have no desire to return to the petty lifestyle we once lived. The world of helping others is far more rewarding…"

"So… so… sooooo rewarding…." Heath droned.

"It's such a nice change," Barrow said.

"Honestly, piracy pays these bills," Scout commented.

"CAN YOU SHUT IT?!" Xavier raged. He turned back to the Straw hats, still fuming. "I'll have you three know that we mean absolutely no harm! We sell the finest medical equipment and medicinal herbs that these seas can offer to marines in distress. That being said, I do regret hitting your ship, BUT… god, oh god, oh god… there is no need to arrest us because we made an honest… _mistake."_

"' _Arrest'_ you? Nah, we can't do that, 'cuz we're pirates," Luffy said plainly, picking his nose.

" _Luffy_ …!" Nami hissed, jabbing her captain in the side.

"What?! We _are_ pirates!"

"I _told_ you to leave the negotiating to me, jackass! I could've worked this to our favor…"

"Give it up, Nami san. I'm sure by now you know how selfish our captain can be." Sanji advised her, taking a rest from the cancer stick.

"Y- you lot are pirates then?" Xavier hesitantly asked with his hands folded in front of his lips.

"Honestly…" Sanji sucked his teeth and stomped the cigarette out. "What is up with people mistaking us for some shitty marines these days?" He glanced back at the Sunny. "Oi, take a good look now while the wind is blowing it- do you recognize that flag?"

An insistent breeze rattled the sails of the merchantman and made its deck moan in an almost pleading way. Xavier looked down at the Sunny to see that the wind had hiked up the Sunny's flag for a fleeting moment that was long enough to flash a vivid jolly roger wearing a yellow straw hat.

"The Straw Hat pirates… eh?" he murmured darkly.

" _Bingo_ ," Sanji whispered, closing in on the bespectacled pharmacist. " _Pirates_ … you might have been better off hitting a marine ship, but I guess that's just your shitty luck. Now here's the deal," he took another cigarette out of his jacket pocket, lit it, inhaled, and gently blew the toxic cloud in Xavier's face, "Nami san, our beautiful navigator, is going to ask you a few questions. Unfortunately, we're short on time, so it would be best if you gave her quick, _honest_ answers… and if you can't do that," he cocked his head in Luffy's direction, "the future pirate king and I will show you exactly what the difference between us and the marines is. Got it?"

Xavier met Sanji's dead glare without flinching, but it was quite clear to everyone on deck who had the upper hand in the situation. Smoke framed the blond demon's face as he raised an eyebrow, waiting for an answer. The pharmacist swallowed but did not dare to blink because the vicious aura that had risen around the cook was palpable, almost venomous, but it was controlled and Xavier felt safest hoping that it wouldn't evolve from that state into something fatal while he wasn't looking. Sanji smirked and took half a step forward, having waited a second too long, but Xavier threw his hands up in defeat. "All right, pirate… you win."

"Shi shi shi shi shi… Sanji, you're scary," Luffy snickered.

* * *

Author's Note: Enter OCs... this is my attempt at making quirky new characters like Oda's. How did I do? I admit they are a weird bunch, but please tell me what you think about these scalawags in a review! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading!


	5. Two in the Bush

Xavier reached into his pocket and took out a wooden pipe. He stuffed it, lit it, and began to puff. After taking his fill, he cackled and gave Sanji a half cracked, sly grin.

"I'm glad yer pirates," he sneered, his speech suddenly as rough as the sea in a storm. "Pirates'll never disappoint me." Sanji cocked a curled eyebrow at him. "Marines are supposed to be the good ones but they hardly ever are… but _pirates_ … pirates'll always meet my expectations or leave me pleasantly surprised. So, Black Leg, tell me… _which_ one are ya'?"

"That depends on _you_ ," the cook snarled.

"Hoooooo?! I think I like that!" Xavier laughed, a deep guttural boom, and nodded at Scout. She pinned her scruffy bangs out of her face and stepped forward.

"Follow me," she commanded. She straightened a few notes on her clipboard and led everyone to a room on deck closer to the stern. She took a key with a dragon's head handle out of her smock pocket, unlocked it, and pushed the door open. An intoxicating mixture of many colored herbs was clipped to lines that draped across the ceiling like a leafy rainbow crowning the cluttered room. Flushed against a wall that was also plastered with various hanging herbs was a table. It stretched the entire length of the room with mountains of paper stacked upon its surface, some stained with age and some crisply new. The sharp aroma of clashing spices, burning wood, and chemicals wafted from rows upon rows of mismatched cabinets that occupied the majority of the space. Scout pranced over to a small end table which housed a cracked mortar and pestle, a few glass phials stationed next to a burner, a cutting board, and a log book that stood out for its neatness.

"You guys are making medicine in this dump?" Nami scoffed.

"Not quite, Cat Burglar," Xavier puffed, "All this's our plunder," he said, grandly gesturing to the layers upon layers of herbs pinned to the walls, "but it's you who's our profit. We've got all the stuff a doctor'd need to make proper drugs and then some. Folks at sea always need an extra pick-me-up, pirates more than marines. I can speak from experience on that one."

"'Pick-me-up'? They should just eat meat," Luffy declared.

"YOU NEED MORE MEDICAL ATTENTION THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THE SHIP, DUMB ASS!" Sanji punched him in the head.

"DON'T DEMEAN CHOPPER'S JOB LIKE THAT!" Nami slapped him.

"I never knew the captain of the Straw Hats was actually a dumb bastard," Xavier rolled his bleary eyes before getting kicked by Nami over to Sanji who gave him a vicious mutton shot.

"DON'T SHIT TALK OUR CAPTAIN!" they both warned him.

Luffy bent over in a fit of laughter as Xavier crawled back to his customers. "Scout, yer real quiet for someone who's older brother and captain was just attacked!" he rasped.

"That's because I honestly don't care."

"And neither do I," Nami stepped forward, raising her fist in determination again. "None of this matters because you still haven't told me what _you_ can do for _us_ \- you know- the ship that _your_ crew hit!"

"Oh, darlin'…" Xavier licked his lips, "I can do anything you can imagine for _y_ -," he was cut short when she punched him in the head for his lewdness. "Yer right..." he grunted as he ruefully massaged his head. "I'll give yer crew all ya need for basic first and the like, and if there's anything else ya need tell Scout and she'll see what she can do for ya, free of charge."

"...W...WHAT?! That easy?" Nami gasped.

"Aye, it's the least we can do."

"The _absolute_ least we can do," Heath echoed.

"It's the _right_ thing to do," Barrow commented.

"Honestly, he just doesn't want to get his ass kicked again."

"SHUT IT, SCOUT!" Xavier bellowed.

"Oi, Gekido ossan, you're a really nice guy!" Luffy laughed.

"Yeah, that really helps us out, thanks so much!" Nami pulled Xavier into a hug, "I was afraid I was gonna have to extort you, but you just made this so easy for both of us!"

Xavier scoffed in shock at her words as Scout pulled out a brass, ram's head key that was smaller than the last. "Is there any special ingredient that your ship's doctor needs?" she asked.

"Oh," Nami let Xavier go, "Yes actually. Have you heard of devil's tongue and potbelly weed? They're both very rare, but it's something our doctor said would really help us out…"

"EH?! _'Devil's tongue and potbelly weed'_ —if I'm not mistaken Cat Burglar, those herbs are extremely potent on their own! Untreated devil's tongue can paralyze ten sea kings in seconds and potbelly weed could've made even Whitebeard's immune system shut down! Why would any of ya need those cursed herbs?!"

"Oh, were they _that_ strong? I didn't know, it's just that our doctor told us to retrieve those specifically… along with the first aid of course!" Nami said innocently, cocking her head to the side like a confused child.

"One of yer crewmates must be seriously out of commission if he says he needs those…"

"Yeah, she could die," Luffy immediately confirmed. Nami growled and gave him a swift uppercut.

"SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH BEFORE YOU RUIN THIS! YOU'RE ONLY HERE AS A BODYGAURD!"

"WHY ARE YOU MAD?! IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S ACTUALLY GONNA DIE! IF THEY HAVE THE TWO WE WANT, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GO ON LAND AND FIND THE MOON HIP AND THEN CHOPPER CAN-"

"YA LOT NEED MOON HIP TOO?!"

"DAMMIT LUFFY, NAMI SAN SAID SHUT YOUR SHITY MOUTH!" Sanji kicked Luffy in his side.

"Sorry…" Luffy groaned.

"This ain't no normal bump on the head we're talking about are we? Yer friend is sick?"

Everyone was silent save for the soft whisper of Sanji taking a steady drag on his cigarette. Scout spoke first.

"Honestly... the last time someone wanted to buy moon hip, devil's tongue, and potbelly weed from us at the same time was a few weeks ago when a marine ship stopped us. Their captain had contracted something called Bogger's blood… I think I remember them saying it would have been fatal if they hadn't come across our ship when they did…"

"So _that's_ it, eh?" Xavier grumbled, glaring blearily at his three customers. "I guess I've no choice then…"

Sanji threw his cigarette on the ground and sucked his teeth. "Took the words out of my mouth," he snarled as he readied himself to attack. Luffy cracked his knuckles and Nami's clima tact was at the ready.

"I guess I'm gonna have to come with ya lot on yer ship to help yer doctor out,"

"HUH?!" all three gasped in unison.

"He already had his hands full, and then we went and bumped yer ship… we'll come along and help all we can. We aint doctors, but you could probably use the extra hands, right? We don't have no moon hip, but we've got the other two- whaddya say?"

"O… okay…" Nami hesitated.

"Whew," Sanji sighed. "That's awfully fucking nice…." He ran his hand through his blonde hair as Luffy burst out in laughter again and cheerfully patted Xavier on the back.

"Wow, we owe you one Gekido ossan!"

"Don't mention it," he turned to his younger sister. "Oi, Scout, four'll do, right?"

"Yep."

Xavier snapped his fingers twice. _"Big Brother…four!_ " The pirates tilted their heads to the side in confusion at Xavier when four men suddenly materialized out of thin air. They all had grey hair, a lab coat, and a tattoo on their chest like Xavier's, but each man was slightly different than the last. Each dragon tattoo was wearing a different hat- one wore a straw hat like Luffy's- each had varying degrees of stubble, each had different shaped glasses, each wore different styled ponytails, yet all of them were significantly taller and stronger looking than Xavier. "This's the power of my brother- brother fruit," Xavier explained. "I can make as many brothers as I want and each of them has one quality of mine in excess. My big brothers have my strength one hundredfold, but they ain't good for much else besides liftin'. They'll be able to take yer supplies on board yer ship for ya."

"THAT'S AWESOME!" Luffy shouted, pumping his fist in the air, his eyes gleaming. "

"They'll take everything over on two stretchers for ya," he nodded at Luffy then turned back to Scout. "I'll leave ya to it then. Barrow, Heath, and I will be waitin' on the deck for ya."

"Thanks!" Nami and Luffy said together. Sanji nodded at him.

"This way, then," Scout snapped her fingers at the four brothers and they followed her into the labyrinth of cabinets. Luffy, Nami, and Sanji followed them to a white metal one that Scout unlocked with the ram's head key. To the pirates' surprise, it was neatly filled from back to front with different sized stretchers. "Take two," she ordered the brothers. They obeyed, and followed the little sutler down another row of cabinets. Scout pulled out key after key, each with their own animal head and piled the stretchers with bandages, splints, thermometers, syringes, different herbs, and many other things. At last, she stopped at a large glass cabinet that was filled with smaller compartments. Using a snake head key this time, she opened the large doors and then one of the compartments. Scout donned rubber gloves before reaching in.

"Devil's tongue…" she pulled out four long slender leaves that glistened like gory blades and tucked them into their own separate container, "Potbelly weed…" she grabbed a handful of striped leaves and gave them their own container too before tossing both onto the closest stretcher to her. "Is that it?"

"That'll do it, little miss," Sanji grinned.

"LET'S GO!" Luffy shouted gleefully, throwing his hands in the air as he sprinted ahead of the others. After Scout locked up, she, Sanji, Nami, and the four brothers met Xavier, Barrow, and Heath on deck where they were patiently waiting in view of the Sunny- an extension bridge ready for them to cross.

"You treat 'em right, Scout?" Xavier huffed through his pipe when he saw them come out.

"Sure… sure," she said distractedly, marking papers on her clipboard.

"After you then, Straw Hat. It's yer ship after all!" Xavier beamed. Luffy was bouncing and giggling uncontrollably as he led the entourage back to the Sunny. As they crossed, they saw the remainder of the crew on the deck, save for Chopper who was still nursing the chrysalis in the infirmary. It was clear that the other Straw Hats had grown tired of waiting. Fast fiddle music was in the air as rays of colored light from Franky's nipples flashed over them when their feet touched the grass. Usopp was commentating on a fierce headstand competition between Zoro and Robin who were both sporting remarkable poker faces. Sanji crossed the lawn deck and kicked Zoro's butt so that he toppled over.

"OI!"

"ROBIN CHWAN IS THE WINNER!"

"AND THERE IT IS, FOLKS! DUE TO BLACK LEG SANJI'S INTERFERENCE OF PASSION, THE DEVIL CHILD, NICO ROBIN HAS TAKEN THE WIN BY DEFAULT!"

"Oh, it looks like I advance to the next round…"

"OI, DART- BROW! YOU'RE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS!"

"YOU'LL GET BURNED MOSS HEAD!"

"USOPP! YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T PLAY THIS GAME WHILE I WAS GONE!"

"OH LUFFY, YOU'RE THE SILVER CHAMP! THE WINNER HAS TO FACE YOU BEFORE THE FINAL ROUND WITH SANJI!"

"WHO SAID I WAS PLAYING?!"

"Sanji san is the final boss then? I see… oh but I don't have eyes to see with, YOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"His party table kick course makes his head SUUUUUPERRR STRONG!"

"That makes sense. He's going to be difficult to beat."

"I'LL SACRIFICE MY WIN FOR YOU, ROBIN CHWAN!"

"I think I'll win on my own."

"Y-YER ALL FUCKIN' HEALTHY!" Xavier roared, his eyes popping out of his head at the lively crew. His partners stared in shock too, their mouths agape.

" _Completely_ healthy..."

"Wow…"

"Honestly, this is to be expected."

"HOW?!" Xavier turned on the purple headed girl.

"Everyone, they're going to give us the herbs we need and a bunch of first aid for FREE!" Nami announced.

The Straw Hats' cheers drowned Xavier's protests out as Nami directed the brothers to the infirmary, Franky's nipple lights flashing at full speed now.

"WE'RE SUUUUUUPERRRR SAVED!"

"THANK GEKIDO- OSSAN! HE'S GONNA HELP CHOPPER GIVE THE REST OF US FIRST AID TOO!"

"Oh? That's convenient," Zoro commented.

"LIKE I SAID, YER ALL HEALTHY AS H-"

"That's very generous of you," Robin interrupted. The pirates gathered around the sutlers and lifted Scout and Xavier into the air. Unlike his little sister who giggled happily as they tossed her into the air, it took some time for Xavier to go from struggling and angrily cursing to cheering and boasting of his good deeds.

"THAT'S RIGHT, YA SCURVY SHITS- I'VE GOTTA HEART GOLDER'N BERIS!" he shouted to the heavens as Nami emerged from the infirmary.

"Chopper says both herbs check out, and he's going to begin treating them right away!"

"YOOOOOOOOSH!" Luffy shouted. "THERE'S JUST ONE MORE TO GO! SANJI! WE'RE CELEBRATING, SO LET'S HAVE A FEAST!"

"Sheesh… we should really be budgeting how much we waste right now since money is tight, right? But… captain's orders are captain's orders, I guess..." Sanji shrugged, rolled up his sleeves and headed toward the kitchen before making an immediate U- turn to go slap Luffy. "WE JUST ATE HALF AN HOUR AGO, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT!"

"BUT SANJIIII! I'M HUNGRYYYY!" Luffy whined.

"Honestly, I am too…" Scout pouted and rubbed her stomach. Heath, face red as the blood on his vest, nudged her.

"There's food back on the ship…!"

" _Yeah_ , but-" she glanced at Robin who was still standing on her head, Brook who was fiddling, and Franky who was dancing and flashing his lights.

"AH!" Luffy lifted Scout onto his shoulders and turned back to Sanji. "Sanji… this lady is hungry. She wants a feast." Scout giggled again as Sanji sighed and patted her head before heading back to the kitchen. Nami laughed and came over to put Scout back on her feet. Bending down to straighten the young girl's clothes, she addressed Luffy.

"You only use your brain when food is involved, don't you?" she teased.

"SHISHISHISHISHIII!"

"Straw Hat," Xavier called jovially to the Sunny's captain. "If this' gonna be a party then do ya mind if I invite a few friends for entertainment?

"Huh?"

" _Brother- brother!_ " Xavier snapped his fingers and made six brothers appear. Two of them were already shouting and pumping their fists in the air, their attitudes matching the spirit of the party hats tattooed to their dragons. One sang a rapid, upbeat tune to match the fast pace of Brook's fiddling, and the last two were big brothers that lifted Luffy between them onto their shoulders as he howled with glee.

"ALL RIGHT THE MORE THE MERRIER! SANA! WAIT ON US, YOU'LL BE FLYING SOON!"

* * *

Author's Note: I've a new found respect for Oda now. It's hard to think of new devil fruit powers and speech patterns. I did my best, but I'm interested in knowing what you think about how I did! LAY IT ON ME! Thanks for reading this much!


	6. Interlude

To economize the remaining rations, Sanji started the feast off with several rounds of sake and cola to fill up their stomachs and heat their excitement. The dinner table was several times more boisterous than usual with the addition of Xavier, his three man crew, and the six brothers who were created for the sole purpose of nonstop entertainment. One of the party brothers stood in their chair to serve as Usopp's story telling hype-man, while the other crowded around Brook with the singing brother to give the musician a spirited accompaniment to his new song. Scout was thoroughly enjoying herself as she gulped her cola and giggled at Usopp's stories. Even Heath and Barrow had come alive compared to how subdued they were by their first encounter with the exuberant crew. Barrow was in a heated debate with Nami about good extortion methods and Heath was engaged in a merry drinking game that had made him drunk and red in the face as he tried to keep up with Zoro's pace. They took a shot each time Usopp referred to himself as "Usopp sama" and by this time, even Zoro had started to sway happily in his seat.

"GIVE US ANOTHER ROUND, COOK! YOUR SNIPER'S STILL GOING!" Heath bellowed, raising his tankard in the air.

"I'M TELLING YOU, PUT A GUN TO A MAN'S HEAD AND HE'LL GIVE YOU HIS FAMILY JEWEL SACK IF YOU ASKED HIM FOR IT- ALL PEOPLE ARE THE SAME!" Barrow argued so fiercely that he didn't notice Luffy taking his bird's nest from his head.

"AND _I'M_ TELING _YOU_ , YOU'VE GOTTA GO BEYOND THAT AND FIND OUT WHAT HE'D GIVE HIS LIFE FOR! IF YOU DO THAT, YOU'LL GET ACTUAL JEWELS INSTEAD OF JUST HIS FAMILY JEWELS!"

"YOU COULD THREATEN TO TAKE AWAY HIS MEAT!" Luffy suggested as he handed the eggs from the birds nest to Sanji for cooking.

"THAT'S ONLY GONNA WORK ON YOU, DUMBASS!" Nami laughed.

"OI, STRAWHAT! WHY'RE YOU TRYING TO COOK MY EGGS?!"

"I'M NOT- SANJI'S COOKING THEM!"

"BECAUSE YOU TOLD HIM TO!"

"Bacon lardons can be paired with poached quail eggs in a Lyonnais style salad with-"

"QUIT THINKING OF RECIPES, BLACK LEG, YOU CAN'T COOK MY BABIES!"

"RELAX, BARROW!" Xavier reassured his friend through large gulps of sake. "THEY'LL BE LESS TROUBLE THIS WAY!"

"BECAUSE THEY'LL BE DEAD!" he wailed.

"OH FINE, _FINE_! YER WHINING IS RUINING M' DRINK!" He snapped his fingers, "Brother, brother… LITTLE BROTHER!" a small, lanky young child appeared. His face was round and framed by a crown of curly violet hair that touched his shoulders. He wore a lab coat too, and his tattoo seemed to be drawn on with markers. "'Ello, boy! Go and fetch that nest for Barrow, will ya? I'll give ya a sip of this drink if ya do!"

" _Really?!_ OKAY!" the little boy did as he was told and before he could come back for the sip, Xavier snapped his fingers again and he disappeared.

"He's much too young for parties like this…" Xavier explained to the laughing Straw Hats as he finished off his drink.

"But isn't he _you_ , Mr. Sutler?" Robin inquired.

"Mmm, more or less…"

"Oh yeah, Xavier—the rest of your crew that you sent below deck—were they all brothers too?" Nami turned to him.

"Yeah—the whole lot of 'em. They're all dumb as rocks except for my 'older brothers'. They've got my smarts a hundred times over, but it takes more'n that to run a ship as big as our merchantman," he burped. "Sorry about decievin' ya earlier by the way. I wasn't sure what kind of lot ya were, so I thought it best to keep m' power a secret until necessary…"

"That's understandable," Nami conceded.

"Makes sense," Robin sipped her drink. "So you're crew is actually quite small then? It's very rare to find a four man pirate crew surviving this well in the New World, especially when their captain is a hammer."

"Aye…well… it gets rough at times… but we've learned to get along." Xavier gruffly replied.

"Well, brothers are awesome too!" Luffy interjected. Sanji had finally prepared some snacks for the table, and Luffy was now stuffing his face with them in between talking. "Who cares if your crew is small if you're having fun sailing with your friends?"

Xavier burst into a deep belly fit of laughter, almost choking on his drink. He pounded Luffy on his back when he came to and sighed. "Yer a _strange_ pirate, Straw Hat!" he wiped a tear from his bleary eyes. "But that's right… you would like m' power, wouldn't ya? Two years ago, I believe…. Yer brother was that ferocious right arm of Whitebeard's, wasn't he? Fire Fist Ace… I bet you'd like to just snap yer fingers and have that boy back by yer side."

Silence fell in the kitchen. The soft whisper of rising steam from Sanji's pots was the sole distraction from what everyone was now wondering.

"Hmmm…" Luffy chewed more slowly. "At first, maybe, but not anymore. Ace didn't have any regrets at the end so I don't either. And besides," he swallowed his food and grinned, "I've got all of my friends back now! I don't need to snap my fingers to make them appear!"

The tension of silence in the room had melted just as fast as it was born. The pirates smiled in relief at their Captain's words and Sanji chuckled as he made his way back to the table.

"Bet you wish you could snap your fingers and make some meat appear though," he teased, placing a large plate of food in front of his captain.

"SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI! YEAH, THAT'D BE BETTER THAN BEING RUBBER!"

"And just how do you expect to fight people like Big Mom in the New World when all you can do is make meat appear?" Nami asked, amused.

"THAT'S ALL I NEED! Oh, and I don't need to worry because you guys got super strong too!"

"THAT'S RIGHT! I ALWAYS KNEW THAT YOU WERE BRIMMING WITH APPRECIATION OF THE MIGHTY USOPP SAMA'S RETURN!" Usopp boasted, his zeal for telling tales completely revived. "Luffy… you have NOTHING to fear as long as you have my bravery and strength at your side…"

"So, he's got everything to fear then…" Zoro mumbled through his drink, Heath hastily reaching for his tankard to take a swig with him. Scout nearly choked on her cola as she laughed at them.

"Yer crew is just as strange as you are, Straw Hat," Xavier chortled. "Speakin' of, tell me about that member of yers you were telling me about—the one that ya said was sick… it isn't that pet, 'Cotton Candy Lover', is it?"

"Chopper isn't our pet, he's our doctor!"

"Really?! Then that makes the rest of the crew if I ain't mistaken... who's the one yer doctor's with now?"

"That's Sana. We're gonna heal her so that I can see her fly!"

"She's completely out of commission?"

"Yep."

"To m' knowledge… ya can't heal her with what ya have now so-"

"Yeah, the last herb we need is on the next island! We'll be able to start healing her in a few days!"

"Actually, Luffy, if we start sailing again we'll reach the island within an hour," Nami informed him as she consulted her log pose. "If we're lucky enough to find the moon hip this evening, Chopper will be closer to starting her treatment!"

"REALLY?! SHISHISHISHISHISHI! THIS IS EASY!" Luffy clapped his hands in the air as Xavier set his tankard down.

"That soon then, eh?" he asked.

"Looks like it!"

"That's a real shame…"

"Hm?"

"This is one hell of a party and if I had known it would end this soon _, I wouldn't've accepted the invitation._ "

"What are you-"

" _Blood brother_ … THIRTEEN!" Snapping his fingers, Xavier's brothers disappeared in mid song to be replaced by thirteen others. Hinting at dried blood, a gruesome orange and brown stained their lab coats which framed tattoos of a dragon's skeleton wearing a crown upon its head. Each wore a pair of small, round glasses at the tip of their crooked noses, and their hair stopped at their pointed chins, blood matting it in clumps. One was assigned to each Straw Hat with the exception of Sanji and Zoro who were both flanked by two and Luffy who was surrounded by three. By no means were the brothers as tall or muscular as the men they replaced, but their auras were dreadful and their silence was so chilling that it seemed to freeze the drink in everyone's throats. Shaggy sheets of gray hair framing his gaunt face, the brother directly behind Luffy delicately lifted his hands above the captain's shoulders, immediately inviting the attention of Franky's cannon, Nami's clima tact, Usopp's kabuto, and Brook's sword. Robin crossed her hands, and though they could not see him from the crowded table, Sanji's rage was so palpable it could have burned the food. The only outlier was Zoro whose sword had been directed at Xavier's head ever since the first set of brothers retreated.

" _What_? Was the drink _that_ bad?" Zoro snarled as he glared at Xavier. It had all happened so quickly that the Dragon Fang pirates, completely oblivious, were still trying to joke with the Straw Hats even after the fact. Confused, Scout, Heath, and Barrow gaped as if a flash of lightening had struck in the middle of a summer day before finally grasping the situation and drawing weapons in their captain's defense. Scout drew several syringes, Barrow two pistols, and Heath a staff that was much like the one Nami used to carry before leaving Arlong Park.

"Oh no, it's nothin' that personal, I assure ya," Xavier murmured, slowly rising from his seat. "It's just that I've got this feelin' that now is the best time… to be collectin' yer boutnies."

"And just where did you get that shitty epiphany?" Sanji snapped from the kitchen.

"Well it's true that ya lot could easily fight back and, probably win, but," he turned to the kitchen door as it opened to reveal two big brothers, one carrying a frantic Chopper—a sight that immediately enraged Luffy as he shouted the doctor's name in shock— and the other carrying Sana's rapidly paling chrysalis, which seemed more fragile than usual in the brute's arms. "I'm positive ya wouldn't wanna risk hurtin' yer sick friend in the fray." Xavier sneered as he relit his pipe. "It'd be silly for anyone to pass up this opportunity."

"GUYS! I'M SORRY! I THOUGHT THESE BASTARDS WERE LUFFY'S FRIENDS!" Chopper cried.

"It's not your fault, Chopper. We did too." Sanji reassured him. "Did they hurt Sana chan?"

"I don't know, and I'm afraid if I do something, they actually will do something to her—or I might accidentally hurt her…!"

"We either save ourselves or save our new friend…they have forced us into quite the dilemma, haven't they? Yohohohoho…" Brook chuckled darkly.

"It would seem so…" Robin confirmed, a slight twinge of agitation traced into her usually composed face.

"That's really annoying…" Sanji sucked his teeth.

"I say we take our chances and clobber these guys," Franky said. Scout automatically whipped her hand around to Franky and pointed three syringes at him, all of which contained a different shade of menacing, blue liquid.

" _You'll die_ ," she murmured. He raised an eyebrow at her.

"OW! I gotta admit, you're real gutsy but you're on the wrong side of things, girly."

"I aint against cutting down little kids, either," Zoro warned.

"If you lay a finger on her, I'll make you regret it, Pirate Hunter," Heath shakily pointed his staff at Zoro.

"It's not worth my time to entertain threats from someone who gets so drunk they can't hold their weapon straight." Zoro said plainly. Heath started a bit in his chair and tried to control his swaying hands.

"Oh, I wouldn't count him out just yet, Roronoa," Barrow interjected. "His martial arts has a certain sting to it… do be careful." He pointed one pistol at Zoro's head. "That goes for you too, Usopp… I'm guessing you are Soge King? I think…" he pointed the other pistol at Usopp, "we'll be a good match for each other."

"R-r-r-really? W-w-w-well it's up to you but…" Usopp stammered, as he continued to zero in on the heart of the brother that loomed over his captain's head, "y-y-y-you'll have to answer to all eight-thousand of my followers if you attack me!"

"WAHAHAHAHAAAA! Thanks for warning me!" Barrow cackled.

"Ah, Straw Hat… I guess I understand why ya've got monsters like Pirate Hunter and Black Leg on yer crew," Xavier paused to savor his pipe. "It's the only way to even out weak fodder like your fluff ball doctor, and this liar. It was easy gettin'' a hold on yer tanuki, and I suspect the liar'll be even easier. And on top of that" his foggy eyes scanned the room, "If ya don't count Devil Child and Cyborg Franky… ya've got a dead guy left, and the only thing dangerous about Cat Burglar is her looks," he said.

" _Excuse you?!_ " Nami didn't waver her aim but was clearly more incensed than before.

"I'm _really_ not a fan of risking Sana chan's safety but this shit head is just _begging_ me to burn a hole in him, and he's two seconds away from getting his wish." Sanji struggled to keep his tone even as his anger rapidly began to coat every syllable.

"I agree," Zoro snarled and gripped his sword so tightly it was audible in the Straw Hat's enraged silence. "Fuckin' terrible idea," Xavier taunted as he snapped his fingers again, transforming the big brother holding Sana into a blood brother. "These ones don't listen to me that well, so if that's what you wanna do, _keep that in mind_ ," he leered.

"Oi, Luffy—what do you wanna do?" Zoro asked.

"They saved us…" Luffy paused to put his hat on straight, "BUT I'M GONNA KICK THIS GUY'S ASS SO GO WILD GUYS!"

"ITTORYU-"

"DIABLE JAMBLE-"

"STRONG-"

"HANAUTA SANCHO-"

"RUMBLE-"

"MIDORI BOSHI-"

"GOMU GOMU NO-"

Zoro, Sanji, Franky, Brook, Chopper, Usopp, and Luffy took action on the flip of a dime as Heath, Barrow, and Scout raised their weapons to strike. The blood brothers leered in unison with black teeth. But it only took a second for them to recoil in shock as they glimpsed the two holding Sana and Chopper captive. Hands sprouted on their shoulders and snapped their necks into a clean break, leaving their heads to droop like morbid ornaments, their eyes glazed with perpetual horror as a second Robin sprung from the floorboards. Chopper was released and when he stood, he seemed to be torn between fighting and turning to catch Sana's chrysalis which he was relieved to find resting in Robin number two's arms. He looked back to the table in time to see each brother vanish as swiftly as the whole situation had turned sour. Utterly befuddled, the Straw Hats had the look of someone who missed a step while walking up the stairs as they looked to Xavier who seemed just as taken aback. Horrified, his eyes bulged as he lifted his wrist to find a slender arm securing a seastone handcuff to it.

" _WHAT THE_ \- GET IT OFF OF ME!" He shouted and tried to struggle a moment too late as a second hand appeared and forced his other wrist into the cuffs. Everyone looked around to find that the rest of the Dragon Fang crew had also been restrained by three hands each.

"At first, I wasn't quite sure why you wanted me to take the handcuffs out" Robin admitted as she commanded yet another hand to shut Xavier's loudly protesting mouth. "But I'm glad I did as you told me, Nami. They were uncomfortable to keep on me though...Nami…?" Robin turned to the navigator. Her face was tinted with an uncontrollable wrath and her knuckles were white and trembling on the clima tact which she aimed at Xavier's chest.

"WH-WHAT ARE YA- _NO_!"

"THUNDER LANCE TEMPO!" she roared, summoning a ravenous lightening bolt to pierce his torso and find its home in her staff leaving him to fall to the floor, trembling sporadically.

" _CAPTAIN!"_ Heath and Barrow wailed as Scout shrieked and looked away.

"WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING HIM WHEN ROBIN ALREADY RESTRAINED HIM!?" Usopp bellowed.

"NAMI SWAN IS SO ELECTRIFYING!" Sanji cooed.

"…Nice shot." Zoro conceded, put his sword away, sat, and resumed drinking.

"I guess you're right," Nami sighed, flipping her brilliant orange hair out of her face. "I'm not _dangerous_ so much as I am _inclement_." Robin chuckled at her before Usopp turned to face her too.

"OK SO NAMI WAS INSULTED, BUT WASN'T IT UNECESSARY FOR YOU TO SNAP THE BROTHERS' NECKS LIKE THAT IF YOU WERE GONNA HANDCUFF XAVIER ANYWAYS?!"

"No, I don't think so—it seemed appropriate." She answered casually, simultaneously forcing the Dragon Fang pirates to kneel in front of the kitchen door where the Straw Hats could easily see them.

"ROBIN CHWAN IS JUST AS BREATHTAKING!"

"SHISHISHSISHISHISHSI!" I don't know what's going on, but I guess it worked out then!" Luffy laughed. "Chopper, are you all right?"

"Y-yes!" he said. "I'll take Sana back to the infirmary to check on her condition!" Robin number two began to shadow his footsteps with the chrysalis in tow.

"OK!"

"Oh…" he stopped by Xavier on the way out, "I forgot… I AINT A TANUKI, I'M A REINDEER YA BASTARD! CHECK THE ANTLERS, JERK!" He slapped Xavier and left Luffy doubled over in laughter.

"Nami," Zoro started between refilling his tankard, "what's going on? You knew this guy was gonna turn on us and you didn't say anything?"

"It's not that I knew—I was just suspicious. It didn't make sense to me that he would help us out that willingly, so I decided to take a few precautions." She winked at him as she pulled out a familiar ring of keys, each with their own animal head handle. Scout gasped and looked down at her empty smock pocket. Nami smiled sweetly at her and kneeled to straighten the collar on the girl's dress. "If this was so precious to you, then you shouldn't have let someone named "Cat Burglar" get this close to your pockets," she chimed.

"How… pathetic… Scout…" Xavier rasped.

"Oh? Are you _sure_ you can scold her?" Nami teased, as she pulled out yet another key causing Xavier's eyes to pop out at his own empty pockets in shock before he slipped back into unconsciousness. She swung the key on her little finger and beamed. "I wonder what this bad boy opens…!" she beamed.

* * *

Author's Note: I'm painfully aware of the fact that every single Straw Hat speaks in this chapter. Did that happen in the chapters before this? *shrugs* Well? What do you think? Were they all in character or were some of them a bit off? Please let me know in a review, and thanks, loves, for reading!


	7. Fangs of the Beast

Xavier's key opened every door on the merchantman. It was an old fashioned concept to have a master key for a ship that housed more than two hundred rooms, and quite frankly, it dated both the ship and its captain. Upon opening door after door however, it made more sense to Nami and Franky why there would be only one key. Nearly every room was empty. The bedrooms each had two hammocks and two dressers for clothing and countless other rooms housed nothing more valuable than spare rope. It was by no means as elegant as the royal bath house of Alabasta, but the bath on the bottom most floor of the merchantman was mildly inviting with its fading tiles and modest fountains. There was still nothing worth stealing there to Nami's extreme frustration and she quickly shut its door. Even the pantry was sparse as its stock comprised of three barrels of water, some salted fish, and only enough loaves of bread to last the end of the week. Franky had constructed a cart that magnetically snapped to his hips so that he could pull it, donkey and cart style, as Nami filled it with pilfered treasure, but so far, they only managed to fill it with a few herbs and basic medical equipment that Chopper said he wanted.

" _Jeez_!"" Nami hissed after she slammed the door of yet another fruitless room. "I guess I shouldn't have judged a book by its cover, but this is ridiculous! You mean to tell me there isn't a _single_ beri on this entire ship?!" She slammed another door.

"That might be why their ship is in super bad shape…" Franky noted as he scanned every inch of the corridors which were more than worse for wear, cobwebs draping splintering walls and mold eating holes into the floors. Instead of unlocking it, Nami kicked in the next door out of spite and the two gazed in utter befuddlement at what they saw.

At least two hundred people were seated at long wooden tables. They stretched from the entrance to the other side of the room where there was a door that led out of the mess hall into the kitchen that was visible through a large serving window. Nami clutched her chest in surprise before realizing that these were not people, but swords that were purposefully planted into the wood of the seats so that they stood upright. The serving window was haphazardly framed by dozens of knives, swords, needles, darts, and all manner of sharp objects as if a horde of hungry pirates had impatiently pelted their weapons at the cook to hurry him along. From ceiling to floor, the wall to their right was totally covered in wanted posters. Some were stapled on top of others so that all the names and bounties could be seen like a weathered mural of grisly mug shots. Directly in front of this wall was a shorter table, probably meant for the captain, his first mate, and his guests. The captain's seat was not difficult to point out. It's grandeur emanated from the high, velvet back and the bullet holes and gory slashes in its singed fabric made it all the more obvious that this was a seat for a son of the black flag. A small chest was placed in front of this seat, and when Nami's eyes found it, she made a beeline for it.

"Finally, there's some money on this creepy ship!" she chimed, giddy with anticipation.

"Oi, girly…is it just me or is it weird that they'd do this to their mess hall…?"

"Huh?" she distractedly shoved the key in the chest's rusted lock. "So what? It's none of our business anyways."

"That chest is kind of giving me nasty vibes too. Are you sure we should-"

" _What_? Of course we should! We need as much money as we can get in case it turns out we need to buy the moon hip," she grunted, trying desperately to turn the key in the lock. Finally, it clicked. Pleased, Nami smirked and carefully lifted the lid back.

҉҉҉

* * *

" _Somebody warned you of hoarders of gold..._

 _The Dragon Fang pirates are we…_

 _From North Blue to South Blue…_

 _Our flames will be bold…_

 _As we burn a path through the sea..._

 _One- ninety five bottles, one- ninety five fangs…_

 _For each is worth ten thousand fold…_

 _Be it East Blue or West Blue…_

 _We collect our fee- be it blood or beri..._

 _You can't slay us now- one- ninety five fangs…_

 _Of a gnarly beast are we…"_

 _"_ Oi."

"Hmm?"

"Shut up."

Sanji lowered his book then raised it again when he had silenced the moaning and restrained Xavier. Relocated to the foot of the main mast, Heath, Barrow, Scout, and their captain sat tied up with rope, Xavier still cuffed with sea stone. After Robin number two had placed Sana in the sick bay, Chopper insisted on absolute quiet so that he could concentrate on determining her condition and the remaining Straw Hats were trying especially hard to obey him. Sanji, Zoro, Usopp, Brook, and Robin sat in a straight line facing the Dragon Fang pirates with their legs crossed and a book in each of their hands. Usopp had duct-taped Luffy's mouth shut since he insisted on "quietly" swinging instead of reading. The strain of being silent for so long to wait for such sensitive news was evidently wearing on him as sweat crept down his face, his brows furrowed in the effort. Zoro had begun to doze off, his head bobbing with his "Tale of a Million Hilts" slipping from his slack grasp and Sanji was sweating almost as much as Luffy as he smoked two cigarettes at the same time.

Before Zoro's head could fall onto Sanji's shoulder, Nami and Franky reappeared from the Dragon Fang pirates' ship with their haul. Sanji laid his book down and spun into the air when Nami set foot on the deck, his eyes shining as he danced to where she stood.

"NA-," he caught himself and lowered his voice to a whisper, taking her hand in both of his, "Nami swan! Did you enjoy your plundering?!"

Fist still wrapped in his eager hands, she punched him square in the jaw sending him flying in a graceful arc across the deck. He landed in the palms of several hands that sprouted from the grass, saving him from making too much noise when he landed.

"It was _terrible_ ," she spat.

"Nami swan's… love… is dynamic…" Sanji rasped, coughing quietly as the hands gently laid him down.

"Oh?" Robin closed her book and rested it on her lap. "You didn't find anything of value?"

"It was super disappointing—even for me," Franky confirmed as he detached the cart from his hips.

"Yeah, what gives?! You talked real big about profiting off of pirates and marines, but you have absolutely nothing to show for it but a bunch of leaves and some rope!" Nami confronted Xavier. She was careful to keep her voice low, but it was evident from her tone how ticked she was as she loomed over him, glaring with her hands on her hips. He looked up at her and rolled his eyes.

" _Shove it,"_ he said. Nami rammed her fist into his skull and Robin slapped a hand over his mouth before his shout could escape.

" _Why isn't there any treasure?"_ she hissed, leaning in closer and pulling out her clima tact.

"Oi, Nami…" Usopp tried to calm her down but trailed off.

"If yer disappointed in what ya found, it's none of my business, now is it?" Xavier said, rolling over. "Our ship ain't supposed to be pleasin' ya, it's supposed to please us, and it's doin' a right fine job of that."

"Right… right… right fine indeed…"

"She's a lovely lass, isn't she—our merchantman."

"She's honestly a hunk of rusty shit."

" _Scout…!"_ Xavier jabbed his little sister with his elbow. "Don't talk about her like that! She's protected ya this long, hasn't she?"

"Obviously, that's about the _only_ damn thing it's protected." Nami huffed and put her clima tact away.

The door to the infirmary opened and Chopper cantered out. Luffy fell off of his swing at the peak of his momentum and ripped the tape off of his lips, clearly eager to speak again.

"CHOPPER!" he bellowed. Zoro dropped his book as he jolted awake and hastily wiped the drool off his face with his sleeve. "IS SANA OK?!" All the Straw Hats turned to the doctor for his prognosis.

"As far as I can tell," he began, wringing his hooves, "There's no additional damage." They all sighed in relief. Still face flat on the ground, Sanji coughed out unintelligible love declarations as Chopper started speaking again. "But her vitals aren't looking that good. She's been getting worse, and even though I can make her comfortable, it'll be harder to save her at this rate. The stress on her body is eventually going to catch up to her!"

"So what you're saying is," Zoro stood and cracked his neck, "We need to get our asses in gear."

Chopper sniffed hard and stood up straight. "YES! YOU GUYS NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER SO I CAN AT LEAST GIVE HER A FIGHTING CHANCE!"

"Well, all right then," Zoro chuckled.

As Chopper hurried off to the sick bay with the cart of pilfered medical equipment, everyone stood and gravitated around Nami who had drifted to the center to take command as she took a final glance at her log pose.

"All right guys, listen up! The island is an hour and a half away, but with these winds we can make it there in a third of that time if you put in the work and do as I say!"

"Right!" they answered in a collectively energetic snap. They immediately broke off to different parts of the ship to await orders.

"Draw anchor! Unfurl the sails!"

"AYE!"

"Turn the ship portside! Keep her on a steady course!"

"AYE!"

"The air pressure is changing rapidly so we're going to catch a strong western wind in sixteen seconds which means you need to man those sails!"

"AYE!"

"You're going to furl them in seven minutes when the wind stops so we can ride this current that's coming up at thirty degrees east!"

"AYE!"

"Franky! You're at the helm— in twelve minutes, both wind and current will disappear and we will be about 220 meters due northeast at sixty four degrees! I'll warn you again, but when we get there activate the paddle system!"

"YOU CAN SUPER COUNT ON ME!"

"Robin—keep your eye on the water! I don't want any interference from sea kings right now, so if they come, send them packing because we're not stopping for anything!"

"RIGHT!"

"Look alive! Here comes the first gale!"

" _AYE_!"

Nami's calculations were inhumanly accurate. Every wind and current came quickly and with monstrous force but it was as if they came not because they were the product of the natural chaos of the New World but because Nami compelled them to obey her word. Every drop of rain, every little breeze, every ripple in the sea was immediately matched by Nami's iron clad command that the Straw Hats followed religiously. With Nami in charge and Robin's giganto mano keeping sea kings at bay, the Sunny ripped through the waves as if it were traversing the most tranquil waters in the world. Xavier and his crew could do nothing but observe in slack mouthed awe as the Straw Hats moved like gears in a clock at every order they were given.

"Remarkable…" Heath breathed.

"I guess you'd be surprised," Nami murmured, her brown eyes still analyzing the sky and sea, "If you pay attention, you might actually learn what it means to be a real navigator."

"Yohohohohoho! Nami san, you're quite capable but you really shouldn't tease—I don't think there's anyone that can measure up to you. Oh, but I don't have a brain to think with…" Brook chuckled from high on the main mast, ready to draw up the sails at the drop of a hat.

The Dragon Fang navigator could do nothing but gawk at the crew as sails furled and unfurled, and sea kings dropped back into the sea one after the other like dead flies before Sunny could be thrown off course. It even began to hail, but Nami had predicted that too so their speed remained constant until they reached land in thirty minutes without incident.

Once Zoro dropped anchor by the shore, Sanji pounced on Nami to smother her in hugs as Luffy and Usopp cheered and danced around her.

"Your commands are as swift and sure as my love for you, Nami dearest!"

"ISLAND! ISLAND! ISLAND! NAMI GOT US TO AN ISLAND! SHISHISHISHISHISHISHIII!"

"AS EXPECTED OF OUR NAVIGATOR!"

"My passion is a storm that only you can navigate, sweetheart!" he sighed, kissing her hand.

Nami laughed and tried to gently push Sanji away as Brook jumped down from the main mast. Fluffing his boa and smoothing out his collar, he glided elegantly over to Nami and tipped his crown at her. He cleared his throat.

"May I see your panties?"

"LIKE HELL!" She roundhouse kicked him so hard that he spun in the air before falling back to the ship causing Luffy and Usopp to bend over in a fit of giggles.

"Oi, Nami," Zoro spoke up. "We're here now, but what's the plan?"

"The plan is that ya all go jump in the sea and die," Xavier growled before Nami could speak.

"You know, we could throw _you_ overboard instead. It's not like we need you and we could probably get some peace and quiet!" Nami snapped at him.

"Go ahead and do it then! Put me out of the misery! Ya lot think that just because ya've found a spring island, yer just gonna find the moon hip like magic before time is up. It's stupid! And I'm sick of listenin' to yer naïve drabble—yer a bunch of shitty little kids tryin' to catch air and it's maddenin'."

"Captain-" Barrow tried to warn Xavier but he shrugged his subordinate off.

"Don't 'Captain' me! Sure ya navigate well, but for what?! Yer puttin' in all this effort and yer not even gettin' anything out of lookin' all over for an herb that may or may not be here—and on top of that, ya may not find it in time! Ya get nothin' out of it, but ya've got us locked up for interferin' with yer crack pot shenanigans!"

"YOU'RE LOCKED UP BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO KILL US AND COLLECT OUR BOUNTIES, YOU JERK!" Usopp roared at him.

"Aye sir, I did. And if I had gone about it a different way, I might've succeeded and gotten somethin' real good out of it." he admitted. "Ya see the difference though right? What I did made sense because _I had somethin' to gain._ Ya sure as hell aint gettin' any beris for revivin' that pirate so what the hell are ya doin' it for?"

"Sana isn't a pirate, she's a marine." Luffy corrected him as he flicked a booger out of his nose.

"A… a m- _a marine_?! Oh, that's rich! Four hundred million beri pirate, Straw Hat Luffy wants to go out of his way and revive a marine?! For what?! Ya think she's gonna give ya a gold medal?"

"What? No, I don't care about the other stuff, I just wanna see her fly!"

"So yer goin' through this for _a good laugh_?!" he shouted, growing more irritated by the second. "Ya extorted me, chained up m' crew, and raced across an ocean in the New World, not for gold, but _for yer damn pleasure?!_ "

"Hey, what's your deal?! Why do you care if we're getting gold out of this or not?! It shouldn't matter to you!" Nami retorted, hands on hips and indignant at Xavier's criticism.

" _BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE!_ YER LUCKY WE HAD TWO OF THE HERBS YA NEEDED BUT IF WE HADN'T, YA WOULD'VE BEEN DOIN' WHAT YER DOIN' NOW! HAULIN' ASS ACROSS THE MOST DANGEROUS SEAS, EXTORTIN' STRANGERS, RISKIN' GETTIN' CAUGHT BY MARINES, AND ALL FOR SOMEONE WHO'S JUST GONNA WAKE UP AND PUT A PAIR OF CUFFS ON YA! YER ALL IDIOTS!" Xavier raged, veins straining under his beet red skin. "YER WILLIN' TO BREAK YER NECKS FOR A LAUGH?! _YER PIRATES_! LIKE ME! THE ONLY THING YA NEED TO BE BREAKIN' YER NECK OVER IS A CHEST OF GOLD! BUT YER TOO DUMB TO SEE THAT!"

"OI, DON'T TALK TO NAMI SAN LIKE THAT!" Sanji heel stomped his skull to the deck. Scout, Barrow and Heath yelped in shock, but Xavier struggled to speak from under Sanji's foot. He glared up at Nami.

"The only thing a pirate is gonna bend over backwards for…" he mumbled through Sanji's heel, "The only thing that matters is the treasure. If I could do what ya lot do… I would be haulin' ass for the gold. If I could've… I could've done anything if I had the gold… I could've" tears seemed to leak from his bloodshot eyes, "I could've saved m' crew before they all died… I could've paid for all the medicine they needed if I could do crap like part the damn sea like you shitty brats just did…"

"Captain…" Heath sniffed. Scout's nose was running as she started to cry in earnest, and Barrow tried his best to comfort her even though his hands were tied. Lifting his foot off of Xavier's face, Sanji took out a fresh death stick and blew smoke over the Straw Hat's now solemn heads.

"What the hell are ya supposed to do when even yer doctor gets too sick to even speak? We're somehow down to a crew of four able bodied pirates in the New World with beasts like the admirals and big name pirates lurkin' in every corner of this cursed sea—all of 'em are just waitin' for easy targets to pick a fight with!" he wailed. "The safest route was to give up bein' a pirate to make as much money as possible off of the crap our doctor collected before he got ill! We were gonna use that money to take every last one of our crew to get treated properly! But you can't just quit bein' a pirate as long as ya've got a bounty on yer head! _Everyone_ had a bounty on their heads! And when those marines came along… when those _damned_ marines showed their faces… we had no choice but to fight back!"

"The marines took the money you were saving for a doctor to treat your crew?" Nami breathed, tears tingling the corners of her eyes.

"Nah… _we killed 'em all_." Xavier whimpered.

"Then-"

"All one hundred and ninety one sick mates rose from their beds to fight one last fight as the Dragon Fang Pirates. They refused to be taken while lying on their backs so they fought to the death and stole themselves a modest little chest of gold in the process. They died like real pirates and I think that's how they wanted it. They didn't wanna let their captain down." Barrow recounted with soft fervor.

"They didn't. They did me proud," Xavier choked.

"That's the way to go," Zoro muttered.

"So if ya _really_ think that, then tell me this— _what the hell are ya doin'_? If yer damn near broke why are ya wastin' time tryin' to cure that marine? Yer broke in the New World, with only one doctor, four hammers, and the smallest ship I've ever seen. Why not put yer efforts to somethin' that can save ya in the long run? Why take such a pointless risk?

Zoro laughed dryly and scratched his head. "I'm just following Captain's orders."

Xavier turned to Luffy who flicked another booger out of his nose. "Well, Straw Hat? Why are ya doin' this?!"

Luffy cocked an eyebrow and tilted his head in wonder at the sky as if a good enough answer would fall from the clouds. Donning his hat and crossing his arms over his scarred chest, he turned back to Xavier. The smile he gave him was positively radiant.

"Well… why not?!"

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Author's Note: I admit, I'm seriously out of practice when it comes to rhyming/poetry so I wanted to let you know that I used Steve Goodman's "Lincoln Park Pirates" as a reference for Xavier's song. Also, because several of my friends' birthdays are coming along with several exams, there will be no chapter for a week or two...please let me know what you think or if anything was confusing. Thanks so much for reading!


	8. Getting in Gear

Author's note: This is that "Teaser chapter that i said will soon have more content. Please enjoy, leave a review if you feel like it, and Happy Halloween!

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"W- what," Xavier blubbered, eyes blank.

"Like I said… why not?"

"What do you mean _'why not'_?!"

"What? You don't know what that means? Are you an idiot?"

"Yer wastin' resources on a stranger instead of savin' it for yer crew! Why would ya-"

"UUUUUUGGGGHHHH! YOU ASK _TOO MANY QUESTIONS_!" Luffy groaned with a grimaced, "So _uptight_ …"

"BUT YER JUS-"

"Oi, oi, _oi_ — _that's enough_ ," Zoro stopped him, "We're used to his selfishness by now, and honestly," he pulled a bottle of spiced East Bluebooze out of his haramaki and took several sloppy gulps, "it keeps things interesting."

"If _that's_ the word for it…" Usopp sighed and ruefully scratched his head.

"Fufufufufufufu… I agree with Zoro," Robin laughed.

"I guess—somehow things just work out for us in the end. It's no doubt a result of my expert planning and foresight!" Usopp shrugged with mock modesty.

"You don't plan shit," Sanji breathed out with a stream of smoke.

"HEY! SINCE YOU FEEL SO JUSTIFIED IN CRITICIZING ME, WHAT IS IT THAT _YOU_ DO?!"

"Oh, didn't you know, Usopp? If this were an army, he'd be our Lt…" Zoro informed, causing Sanji to raise an eyebrow at him, though he looked slightly pleased.

"'Lt'… like a lieutenant?" Usopp wondered.

"Nah, like a latrine," Zoro smirked.

"Oi, Robin, what's a 'latrine'…?" Luffy asked scratching his head.

"Typically, it's a…" she began.

"Tch… I guess the most useless member of this crew would resort to such shitty insults," Sanji retorted agitatedly as Luffy pointed at him and exploded with obnoxious guffaws when Robin finished explaining to him.

" _WHAT_ DID YOU CALL ME?!"

" _UUUUUUUSELEEEEEES_! WANT ME TO SAY IT SLOWER FOR YOU?!"

"I'LL CUT YOU RIGHT NOW!"

"BRING IT ON!"

"NEITHER OF THOSE WERE GOOD ENOUGH BURNS, YOU DORKS! GET OVER IT!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOH KILL HIM!" Luffy cheered them on.

" _OW_! BEAT HIS _ASS_ , BRO!" Franky joined in.

"I honestly don't know how we've survived this long…" Nami muttered with Zoro and Sanji aiming for each other's throats behind her.

"Perhaps we've been lucky… No… perhaps this is the precise reason why we have lasted thus far? I don't believe sailors with any degree of sanity would survive in the New World." Brook suggested. He had taken out a cup of tea from his skull to savor as he observed Zoro and Sanji's fierce duel.

"Nope, it's definitely _dumb_ luck." Nami said, massaging her temples.

"Indeed," Robin nodded.

"If you say so, Nami san" Brook whispered.

"BOTH—OF—YOU—CUT – THAT—OUT!" Finally fed up, Nami punctuated each word with a punch to Zoro and Sanji's foreheads, effectively bringing them to their knees. "Zoro, you asked me what the plan was so stop screwing around!"

"HOW IS THIS MY-" she punched him again to silence him.

"Hehehehehehe—OW!" Sanji chortled before being punched by Nami too.

"ZIP IT!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Luffy pointed and laughed. "KILL HIM NAM-"Nami knocked him out cold.

"Wow, it looks like Nami is taking contr- OOW!" Nami gave Franky a taste of pain in exchange for silence.

"SEE, YOU GUYS SHOULDV'E EXPECTED THIS!" Usopp chided. "YOU SHOULD'VE JUST GOTTEN OVER IT LIKE I SA- _OOOUCH_!" Nami brought him to his knees too as he whimpered to himself, wondering why he was being punished.

"Goodness, Nami, I must say as an assassin I'm impressed—that's five bodies," Robin appraised the pile of pirates on the deck. Xavier observed and shook his head with slack jawed awe.

"I need ALL of you to focus for just a minute instead of wasting Chopper's time! And Xavier, whether you like it or not, _we're doing this_ so one more interruption and you'll be asking for _this_!" she shook her fist at him and he gulped and turned over, his back to the Straw Hats.

"So here are the facts," she began, "We only have _today_ to find the moon hip because Chopper needs a week to prepare the medicine. By the looks of this shoreline… and that reflective stuff along the coast…wait…is that _coral_?!" she mused, shading her eyes with her hand for a better look at the beach. "Whatever…we'll get to that when we need to. Point is, there's a lot we need to consider about this island if we're gonna go looking for the moon hip. Even if we spread out, it will be difficult without knowing the general topography…."

"We might not have to go through all of that. Maybe some doctor dude on the island is willing to sell to us or something?" Franky suggested, slowly recovering from the assault he suffered.

"That's what I'm thinking. We're gonna have to do some scouting around though and it's risky for all of us to go…"

"I can cover that," Robin chimed in and turned to Brook, "but do you mind assisting me?"

"YOHOHOHOHOHOHO! I would be honored to give you a hand, as long as you don't mind that my hands don't have skin," he bowed to her and continued to sip his tea.

"Not at all," Robin winked at him then addressed Nami. "If we find it, we'll come back to report the price, but if I'm remembering correctly, you said you didn't find anything of value on our guests' ship? Our funds are pretty low as well, so how do you intend to buy it?"

"Oh, Captain Xavier is going to help us out with that one, so don't worry," Nami smirked.

"I'm doing what now?" Xavier peeped over his shoulder at her.

"YOU'RE PAYING FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING, NOW _CAN IT_!" she roared, and he wilted back in to the grass, grumbling agitatedly to himself. "Robin, Brook, you two should head out now and come back as soon as possible. We'll be waiting here, but you should also scope out the rest of the island to see where the best place to hide the Sunny is in case any marines are stationed here."

"Understood… I'm guessing a small disguise will be necessary as well if we're trying to be discreet," she noted, looking at her bony friend.

"I don't mind altering my attire as long as I'm still dashing," Brook said.

"All right then, hurry you two!"

"RIGHT!" Robin, Brook, and Luffy said together. His bloodied, swollen face shining with glee, Luffy stretched his arms to the shore and nearly rocketed off the ship before Nami snatched him back by his collar.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" she forcefully sat him down at her feet.

"OH COME OOOOOON! I WANNA GO TOOOOOO!" he whined.

" _NO!_ We don't have any time to waste, Luffy, so letting you go off on your own is _not_ an option this time around! Besides…" she pointed at him and smiled, "I need you to do something else for me—something _much_ more fun than looking for some boring old leaf…"

"REALLY?!"

" _Really_."

"SHISHISHISHISHISHISHISHISHI! ALL RIGHT!"

Before Brook and Robin left to get changed, Nami slipped to their side. She gestured with her finger for them to lean in so that they could hear her whisper. "If you can, please make it quick. I don't know how long I can keep him occupied like this," she glanced at Luffy who sat with his legs crossed rocking from side to side, repeatedly chanting "fun, fun, fun" to himself, positively brimming with excitement.

"Fufufufufu, understood…" Robin whispered back.

"We won't disappoint you, Nami san," Brook tipped his crown again, and led the way into the boys' dorms.

҉

Coral so reflective that it appeared to be glass crested miles and miles of radiantly pink sand. The beach yielded to a pastel blue mountain that was more impressive in girth than elevation for its diameter swallowed much of the island while its peak barely met the lips of the clouds above. Rivers of a gentle pearl hue flowed in from the sea and provided a lovely skirt for the base of the mountain which was blotted all the way to the peak with impeccably square buildings like a pixilation. Boats drifted in via the rivers but the couple jogging up one of the roads could not for the life of them figure out where they disappeared to.

People were out and about savoring the warm, spring weather and the couple went more or less unnoticed among the other runners taking advantage of the fresh air. The woman in all black, who wore a hoodie with cutoff sleeves, sweatpants, knee high boots and sunglasses kept her pace steady next to her partner— a slender man who wore a similar attire save for his hoodie which had sleeves and a bandana obscuring half of his face. Frowning at the boats that seemed to magically meld into the mountain, her attention was captured by one of the larger buildings that they nearly passed. Mothers carried their babies in, young men and women escorted their older parents out, and the chemically tinged air wafting from its opening and closing doors was practically a confession of its medical services. The woman tugged at her partner's sleeve before he could run past the pharmacy.

"Brook, I believe we've found our chance," she said pointing at the building. "Let's hope they have what we came for."

"Yohohohohoho—indeed! Well spotted Robin san! And, I believe if my eyes have not deceived me," he looked ahead and pointed at the peak of the mountain, as he chuckled at his lack of eyeballs, "There are quite a few marines trekking towards the summit. Perhaps they have a base there?"

"I've noticed that too. That would certainly make sense… but how would their ships make it in and out of the island?" she mused turning again to the rivers dotted with boats. "Brook, I-"

"Robin san, please pardon the interruption," Brook murmured.

"Y-yes?" she seemed confused as he turned back to her.

"Does this outfit make me look slim?"

"Yes, everyone looks slimmer in black. This outfit definitely suits you well," she grinned.

"OH! REALLY?! Thank you, Robin san, I feel much more confident now! You truly do know how to touch a gentleman's heart!" he took her hand in both of his and bent to kiss it through his bandana. "May I see your panties?"

"Fufufufufu! My, how sudden! You would think that you'd grow tired of asking after suffering so many of Nami's punishments."

"YOHOHOHOHOHO! DEAD MEN CAN NEVER GROW TIRED, ROBIN SAN! YOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I guess you are right! Well then, I think we should strike a deal…" she chuckled and drew her hand away. Slipping a thumb into her pants, she hiked up an inch of lace for him to see. He exploded into the air at the sight. What little bone that was visible behind the shades and bandana turned a violent pink as he chortled, tears streaming down his face. After Robin had tucked the little corner of cloth away, Brook was still so buoyant with elation that he simply floated in the air without coming down.

"I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT, FOR ROBIN SAN HAS SHOWN IT TO ME!"

"Brook."

"YES, ROBIN SAN!"

"About our deal-"

"ANYTHING YOU SAY, ROBIN SAN!"

"I'm interested in knowing where those boats are disappearing to, and something tells me this mountain is the secret to that," she ignored his giddy chortles and continued, "I want you to use your powers and look inside the mountain for any information that could be useful to us. You should be careful that you don't get blown to ash though because I've seen quite a few battleships on that river. I'll see if this pharmacy has moon hip in stock and then investigate the summit to see what kind of security is on this island. You'll be quick about your task, won't you?"

"YOU HAVE MY WORD, ROBIN SAN! THE LIGHT YOU HAVE SHOWN ME HAS GIVEN ME STRENGTH AND _NOTHING_ CAN STOP ME NOW!"

"Oh? I'll hold you to that then. We'll meet back at the ship in fifteen minutes."

"YES MA'AM!" He floated off at top speed in the direction of the rivers, attracting the attention of several curious citizens. Robin sighed.

"What a simple man…"


	9. Budget Cuts

Author's Note: To be honest, I've been ready to post some new content for quite some time. But i fell, hit my head and got a concussion so I've been banned from extraneous thinking. Don't worry though-I'm on the mend so now i can be extraneous all I want! HAHAHAHA! Ahem... please enjoy your Halloween, and if you have time in between munching treats and being spooky, please leave me a review.

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"YA HONESTLY CAN'T EXPECT ME TO AGREE TO SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT!"

"Does it look like I'm ASKING you an opinion on anything?! You AND your crew are taking responsibility whether you like it or not, so ZIP IT!"

"YER ABSOLUTELY INSA-"

"I said ZIP IT!" Nami whipped out her clima tact and pointed it at Xavier's face. "Or did you want another taste of this?" he sucked his teeth and looked away. Heath and Scout had turned pale and Barrow sighed.

Robin and Brook had returned to the Sunny and Nami wasted no time in devising a plan based on the information they had collected for her. Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Franky, and Usopp had fully recovered from their beatings but resolved to stay by the tree to keep their distance from their navigator who seemed to be on a rampage.

"So if that's the plan…" Usopp muttered, "I still think we're gonna be a little short on cash."

"Well… maybe we could sell some of the stuff on the ship?" Nami suggested.

"We could sell the fish we've caught… or some of your tangerines…" Usopp said.

"No, that won't work— we've got an extra mouth to feed, and the tangerines aren't ripe yet," Nami waved him off.

"Well then… it pains me but…" Usopp crossed his arms and gazed sagely into the distance. "I'll willingly sell my inventions if it means we can accomplish our goal. It's a man's sacrifice."

"No one wants your lame crap."

"OI! IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL, THEN GIMME THAT CLIMA TACT BACK!" he lunged for her staff and she jerked it out of his reach as he tried to force his way past her defense.

"STOP IT, USOPP I NEED THIS!"

"THEN TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAID!"

"NO," she rapped him on the head with the staff and he stumbled back, squealing in pain. "BECAUSE I'M RIGHT!"

"We can get rid of all those books," Luffy spoke up from the tree swing.

"Are you sure you want to sell my books," Robin murmured. A pair of hands emerged from the tree and flipped Luffy off of his swing. Another pair sprouted from his back and wrung his cheeks.

"DO, I'B DANED BY BIND!" ("No, I've changed my mind!") he blubbered.

"Oh really? I'm so glad to hear that," the hands turned him over and tickled his stomach. "You won't scare me like that again, will you?"

"HAHAHAHA—NO—STOP—N-NO – HAHAHAHA—I P-PROMISE—HAHAHA—I'M SORRY—HAHAHAHAHA!" The hands disappeared and suddenly Sanji ran into kick Luffy in the head.

"DAMN STRAIGHT YOU WON'T SCARE ROBIN CHWAN AGAIN, YOU SHITTY RUBBER!"

"YOHOHOHOHO! My, how unexpected!" Brook giggled at Luffy's surprised face as he clutched his head in agony. Sanji took out his cigarette and looked at Brook for a moment before spiking a full-fledged diable jamble kick to his jaw.

"W-w-why?!" Brook choked out, spread eagled on the deck.

"Something inside me told me I should."

Brook mumbled something along the lines of "must have been the panties…" before Nami stepped forward, her clima tact raised threateningly in the air alerting Sanji to hasten back to the safety of the tree.

"Guys, QUIT SCREWING AROUND AND FOCUS! There's gotta be something we can do without!"Nami shouted.

"Yeah you say that but we're probably the poorest pirates in the whole damn New World—well, next to these losers," Franky jerked a finger at Xavier and his crew."

"OI!" Barrow objected before Nami glared at him.

"Following in your captain's footsteps?" she questioned warningly. He shrank back. "Think harder you guys… anything… anything at all that we can live without…"

"We could live without Zoro," Sanji rolled his eyes.

"EH?! YOU MUST NOT WANNA LIVE AT ALL, SHIT COOK!"Zoro snatched his headband off his arm, tied it around his head, whipped out all three swords and crouched, ready to slay the chef. "I'M ENDING THIS—THE ONE WHO'SE LEFT DEAD IS THE ONE WE CAN LIVE WITHOUT!

"THERE WON'T BE ANY ASHES LEFT WHEN I'M DONE BURNING YOUR ASS, IDIOT SWORDSMAN!"

"COME AT ME!" Zoro took a lithe step forward. All three swords nearly sliced Sanji's neck if not for the cook's electric reaction as he blocked the slash with the sole of his flaming foot. The impact of the swords on Sanji's foot was so incredible that Usopp, Luffy, and Franky stumbled away to give them room, Franky and Luffy cheering and Usopp ferociously reprimanding them.

"Hmmm… that's not a bad idea though, Sanji kun." Robin muttered, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. Zoro glanced at her for a split second before turning back to Sanji who almost let a laugh escape.

"TORO NAGASHI," he forced Sanji back with every ounce of his strength to wipe the fresh smirk off his face. The cook took out his cigarette and chuckled before replacing it with a new one."Robin, I don't know what you're talking about but I'll get to that after I tear this dartboard to shreds," Zoro leaned into a crouch, ready to pounce again.

"Pfffft! Oooh, scary! Even Robin chwan wants to get rid of you!" Sanji teased, his leg still flaming and ready to go on the defense.

"ENOUGH TALK!" Zoro leapt forward again, but Nami's raging fist accelerated his already fierce momentum as it struck the back of his head with such unimaginable force that his face smacked into Sanji's, crushed the cook's cigarette, and blasted them both overboard so fast that everyone suffered whiplash from trying to watch it happen.

"BOTH OF YOU NEED TO COOL IT!"

"AHAHAHAHAA!"Luffy laughed, "ZORO AND SANJI ARE SO STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

"They never learn…" Usopp shook his head and massaged his neck.

"Oh yeah, Robin, what were you talking about earlier? You were saying something wasn't a bad idea…" Nami turned back to the archaeologist.

"Yeah, Robin what gives? You usually don't instigate their fights and I think you might've touched a nerve with Zoro…" Usopp said.

"Was I instigating it?"

"Pretty sure they would've super annihilated each other without her help anyways," Franky said.

"Yeah, but-"

"I was simply posing a solution," Robin cut Usopp off. "And I think if you listened to all the details, you might grow to like my little plan."

"Well, I'm all ears then—let's have it." Nami shrugged.

҉

* * *

"You shitty marimo," Sanji panted as he swam back to the Sunny alongside Zoro. "You wasted a perfectly good cigarette!"

"I don't give a damn about that—I hope you choke on the next one!" Zoro gasped, a small burn mark on the corner of his mouth where the cigarette had singed his face.

"Like hell that'll happen! As soon as we get back on the ship, I gonna make you choke on my foot!"

"'As soon as we get back to the ship'…WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID OF A LITTLE WATER?! I'LL TAKE YOU RIGHT NOW!"

"I AIN'T SCARED OF THE OCEAN, ASSHOLE! I'VE BEEN AT SEA LONGER THAN YOU'VE BEEN GROWING MOLD ON YOUR BRAIN!" he retorted as he sped up.

"THEN QUIT SWIMMING AWAY FROM ME AND FIGHT!"

"NO! COOL IT BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!"

"FIGHT ME!"

"STOP CHASING ME…" he seemed hesitant, "I WANNA GET A NEW CIGARETTE, AND THEN WE CAN FIGHT!"

"WHAT?! THAT'S THE REASON?! IF YOU'RE A MAN, YOU'LL FIGHT REGARDLESS!"

"SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A MAN IS!" he turned to splash water in his face to slow him down then kept swimming.

"COME BACK HERE!"

"DAMMIT, I JUST WANT A FRESH SMOKE!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"HOOO?! YOU AFRAID 'THE MOST USELESS MEMBER OF THIS CREW' IS GONNA DROWN YOU?!"

"GAAAAAH!" Sanji swam as fast as possible, desperate to get a dry cigarette. He finally reached the Sunny and flew up the sides before Zoro could drag him back down, but he didn't manage to put any distance between them and the swordsman had climbed onto the deck before he could dash to the dorms for a new smoke. With everyone watching again, he drew his swords.

"We're on board now so there are no more excuses," he gasped, slightly out of breath from swimming at maximum speed. "Don't say shit like kicking me off the crew without expecting this kind of response."

"Oh yeah, Zoro, about that," Nami stopped talking to Robin to peer nonchalantly over her shoulder at him. "Sanji and Robin have a point. You gotta go."

"PFFFF-" Sanji stifled a surprised laugh.

"WHAT?!" Luffy glared at Nami, utterly confused.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?!"

"NAMI, ROBIN, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WE CAN'T GET RID OF ZORO, EVEN SANJI KNOWS THAT! HE WAS ONLY JOKING BEFORE, RIGHT SANJI?" Luffy turned frantically to the cook who had lost complete control and was laughing too hysterically to answer him. The rest of the crew stared Zoro down with expressions so grave that it made him even more enraged, though he had the appearance of a cornered animal.

"Are you KIDDING me…?!" he lowered his swords slightly but kept them steady, clearly torn.

"YOU GUYS CAN'T GET RID OF ZORO!" Luffy wailed, suddenly jumping between the swordsman and the rest of the crew. Tears gushed down his cheeks and snot trickled from his nose. "HE'S OUR NAKAMA AND HE'S BEEN HERE LONGER THAN ALL OF US—EVEN ME!"

"Luffy, that doesn't make any sen-"

"SHUT UP, USOPP! YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!"

"Luffy, you weren't listening before, just—WOAH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Nami moved forward to try to calm him down when he instantly shifted into gear second, outright bawling with steam rising off of his trembling body as he raised a glowing fist. Everyone quickly jumped away until their backs were pressed against the wall—even Sanji had stopped laughing long enough to stumble out of his sobbing captain's immediate range.

"LUFFY, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?!" Nami shrieked.

"I don't wanna hurt my nakama but… I'M GONNA KICK ALL OF YOUR ASSES SO WE CAN BE FRIENDS AGAIN!" he cried and turned to Zoro. He took off his hat and put it on the baffled swordsman's head. "ZORO, I'M SO SORRY! THEY'RE CONFUSED, BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET THEM HURT YOU!"

"YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S CONFUSED, DUMB ASS! CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND AND LIS-"

"HUUUUH?! I DON'T NEED PROTECTING!" Zoro interrupted Usopp who was clinging to Sanji in horror, snatched the straw hat off of his head, shoved it back onto his captain's, and tried to move him out of his way. "IF I'M NOT MAN ENOUGH TO FINISH MY OWN FIGHTS THEN I'M NOT MAN ENOUGH TO BE A PART OF THIS CREW AFTER ALL!" he raised his swords again and tried to move forward but Luffy grabbed his face from behind and yanked him back. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! LEMME GO!" he commanded through his sword.

"I DON' WANT YOU TO HURT THEM!"

"YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE GONNA KICK OUR ASSES!" Sanji shouted.

"It's true, he did say that," Robin confirmed.

"Perhaps our asses are precious to Luffy san… it's a shame I don't have an ass though." Brook chuckled nervously.

"NO WAY—HE WANTS TO PERSOALIZE THE ASS BEATINGS?!" Nami wailed.

"Man, this week sucks…" Franky groaned.

"Luffy, MOVE!" Zoro growled. "I promise I won't leave any permanent scars." Nami, Usopp, and Brook shrieked and pressed themselves as far into the wall as they could as Luffy tugged with all of strength on Zoro's haramaki, digging his heels into the ground.

"ZORO, PLEASE STOP!" he bawled, "THEY'RE MY NAKAMA FOREVER, JUST LIKE YOU!"

"Y-YES, LISTEN TO LUFFY, ZORO!" Nami pleaded nervously.

"I don't want to hurt them, Luffy, but… I have to. It's the only way I can remain on this crew with any dignity…"

"MUTINY! ZORO IS DISOBEYING CAPTAIN'S ORDERS!" Usopp desperately blurted, as he shakily pointed at Zoro and tried to sniff back the stream of snot venturing from his long nose.

"Can that really be a thing on this ship?" Scout wondered out loud, the rest of the Dragon Fang pirates still gawking at the scene.

"Nah, the captain is an idiot so…" Barrow said.

"It can't be helped if he's ignored," Heath finished.

"Usually, it's probably the smart thing to do to ignore this kind of captain."

"Aye…"

"They'll be slaughtered though… even Cat Burglar."

"To think she was bein' so high and mighty not too long ago," Xavier said. "It's karma—for her and the creepy black haired one who tied us up…"

"Aye…" Barrow and Heath agreed together.

"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY BEAUTIFUL DOVES LIKE THAT, YOU LIYING PIECES OF FILTH!" Sanji stepped away from the wall and spread his arms in a protective stance as he faced Zoro head on. "IF YOU HARM A SINGLE HAIR ON NAMI SAN OR ROBIN CHAN'S HEAD, I'LL BUTCHER YOU, YA SHITTY MARIMO!"

"SANJI KUN, PROTECT ME TOO!" Usopp bawled. Sanji sucked his teeth.

"Grow a pair…"

"Oi…" Usopp seemed slightly wounded.

"You're first, COOK!" Zoro shouted as he struggled to throw a crying and steaming Luffy off of him.

"BRING IT!"

"ZORO, I SAID STOP!" Luffy clocked the swordsman in the back of the head with a lightning pink fist that thrust him into Sanji's skull again, effectively hushing everyone on deck as Zoro's sword fell out of his mouth. The two swayed a bit and then fell, steam rising off the area of impact on Zoro's green head. Luffy froze at the sight of his two unconscious friends lying face flat on the deck, before fresh, fat tears gushed down his face and mixed with his snot. Immediately falling to his knees, he crawled over to the two, and wrapped them in his arms a million times over. "I'B ZO SOWEEEEEE! (I'm so sorry!)" he blubbered.

"Is he gonna cry while he kicks our asses? Puberty really has no mercy…" Franky muttered.

"T-t-this is the burden of a captain, right?" Luffy sniffed as he looked over to his cornered crew with pathetic eyes.

"HELL NO, IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE THAT! YOU THREE ARE JUST IDIOTS!" Usopp shouted.

"Straw Hat can't hope to teach his crew any lessons while he's snivelin' like a baby rat," Xavier huffed.

"Maybe you could teach him how it's done, Xavier kun?" Robin crossed her wrists. A delphinium appeared, rolled a startled Xavier over to Luffy, forced him upright with his back to him, and pressed the seastone cuffs to his red shirt. Luffy drooped, his crying much weaker, as Zoro and Sanji fell out of his arms which hung limp over their unconscious bodies like water hoses. Robin's hands procured some rope and tied the captains together so that Luffy's back could continue to absorb the weakening effects of the seastone cuffs. "You really have been so useful to us ever since we've met, Xavier. It's almost like we're reaping the benefits of some good karma." She winked at his seething face. Usopp and Nami sighed with relief and Brook applauded her as he stepped away from the wall with Franky.

"That was super smooth, Robin." Franky complimented her as he took out a comb to fix his hair. She smiled appreciatively before Luffy, still loudly sniffing, caught her attention as he ogled at her.

"Y-y-you're n-n-not g-g-gonna hurt Z-Z-Zoro, are you?" he whimpered. She straightened his hat on his head.

"Of course not. He's a precious nakama that's been here longer than all of us, isn't that right, Luffy?"

"Y-yeah!" he nodded.

"But we do need him to help us out with my plan. Are you ready to hear it now?"

"Y-yes… as long as Zoro can stay with us!"

"I wouldn't have it any other way, Captain!" she beamed at him. Xavier scoffed.

"I can't believe the witch tied me to this snifflin' straw baby." An arm sprouted from his head and smacked him one, good hard time before Robin recounted the plan to Luffy.


	10. Team Convoy

Two banana boats pierced the fog as it glided toward the pink shore. Zoro's head lolled against the back of the man in front of him, peaceful and blissfully unaware as Chopper's sedative had kept him in a deep slumber. The man read silently and his captives tied up behind him had nothing to do but allow the two hands that sprouted from the boat to row them towards land. A man with brilliant red hair did not have the luxury to sit and read, but rowed his boat on his own, all the while scanning the surface of the sea, seemingly wary of something in its depths. His passengers were nervous. They stole glances at their companions in the opposite boat but did not dare call out to them—the red haired man was watching them. He looked over to his reading partner in the opposite boat and whispered anxiously.

"Shouldn't the fog be thicker?"

"I think you did a superb job already. I can't see the Sunny at all."

"Well then maybe we should call Usopp and tell him to move the ship further up in case Chopper needs us?"

"Chopper told us he has everything he needs, and besides, we shouldn't be gone long."

"And what about Usopp? Chopper is tending to Sana so Usopp is on his own if anything happens…"

"Usopp is as reliable as his nose is long. He will be fine."

"Robin…"

"Yes?"

"Are you… sure about this?

"No, but we don't have the luxury of time to think of something better, do we?"

"I guess not, but we're practically handing ourselves over aren't we?"

"I highly doubt they'd catch you so easily Nami. You're almost as slippery as I am."

"Flattery will get you very far, Robin… but this is our lives we're talking about, and what's more, Zoro could be in serious trouble if-"

"Lark," Robin interrupted her as she turned the page of her book.

"W-what…?"

"Lark. Call me Lark when we get on the island. And your name will be Rotker."

" _'Rotker'?!_ That's a terrible name!"

"Really? I thought it was cute…"

"Your taste is way off—you get the charming little birdie'Lark', but I get 'Rotker'? I don't think so," she swung her braid over her shoulder and straightened her suit front. "I think I like 'Niles' better… what do you think?"

"It's very charismatic. I can imagine you having a son by that name."

"Don't push it," she shot the giggling Robin a look before returning her gaze to the approaching shoreline. The coral was higher than expected. Glimmering like crystal, it broke the ocean's surface and reflected the light of the afternoon in bursts and flashes of color from the beach. It was so bright that it was almost as if the shore was sequined and Nami shielded her eyes when one particularly vibrant burst of light surprised her.

"How intriguing!" Robin exclaimed as the boat scraped its way onto the shore. She reached into the water to touch the coral. "It feels like glass too… I don't suppose there's any harm in taking a small sample back to the ship."

"You're not getting distracted, are you, _Lark_?" Nami got out of her banana boat and dragged it further onto the beach as Robin tucked a small corner of coral into her breast pocket. "This is _your_ plan after all."

"It really hurts that you have so little faith in me," she climbed lightly out of the boat as a dozen or so hands pushed the banana boat alongside Nami's.

"Of course I have faith in you, I'm just nervous!"

"Well don't be," she smiled at the redhead and made her way over to the boats. "You all can get out now, by the way." The Dragon Fang pirates jumped nervously when she spoke to them and then scrambled out of their seats. Xavier stumbled face first into the pink sand before ambling back to his feet and mumbling to himself.

"Ya lot are absolutely insane… I can't believe yer making my crew do this…"

"I really… really… really can't believe the nerve…."

"It's downright unconscionable!"

"Honestly, I can't believe it either…"

"You don't have to believe anything. As long as you do as you're told, your chances of meeting a terrible, gruesome end will decrease," Robin grinned at the crew. They didn't dare say anything back. Robin turned to Zoro who was still slumped unconscious in his seat and frowned slightly. "I feel a little bad… did you bring our apology?"

"Yeah," she walked over to the boat too and leaned down to hook his beefy arm over her shoulder. Robin got on the other side and did the same to lift him up between them. "He better like it…"

"I trust that he will. He's easy to figure out," she glimpsed a package wrapped in brown paper in Nami's boat. "Oh—is that it?" A hand picked it up and tossed it to her. She tucked it securely into Zoro's haramaki and then mussed his green hair. "Thank you for your help, Zoro."

"Though it would be way easier on us if you were awake and walking on your own…" Nami scowled as she struggled to walk.

"It couldn't really be helped. He wouldn't listen to us when he came to, and who knows how long it would have taken to get him to calm down. We're already cutting it close on time."

"You know I can't believe we're doing something like this…" Nami grunted as she struggled under Zoro's weight.

"I must say, that mustache does suit you. I thought the red might be off but-"

" _Robin_! Forget my mustache! Zoro's is going to need more than that apology gift if we-"

"It's really lucky that this fake beard matches my hair—I quite like this look, and our outfits really pull the whole image together-"

"And then there's _Luffy_! We can count on him when we need to, but we're so short on time and…"

"Speaking of, I'm surprised his suit fits you this well. I'm not sure why Brook had these robes, but they're kind of cute on…"

"Robin… I think those are the robes from that cult he was with during those two years… and you're being really off topic here! How can you be so relaxed about something so risky?!"

"To be honest… I am very nervous. I'm hoping my plan will work, but there are a number of things that can go wrong, and I don't have a backup plan to get any of us out of trouble if it comes to that. We could be riddled with bullets or chopped into bloody pieces if we are forced to fight. Two hundred and fifty million beris is hardly worth risking the lives of our comrades…"

"Two hundred… and… fifty… _million_ … beris?"

"I'm rounding a bit, but yes—I believe that is how much the payoff would be. It seems so insignificant in comparison doesn't it?" Robin hesitated as she hoisted Zoro further up her shoulder. Xavier seemed to scoff as the Dragon Fang pirates followed their steps as the two made their way up the beach. He kept his mouth shut though when Nami whipped her head around to Robin.

"Don't worry," she beamed. Robin was startled by her sudden optimism.

"E-eh?"

"I'll make sure we get _exactly_ that amount! I have my heart set on that figure now so I won't accept anything less!" She cackled and lengthened her stride.

"You seem to have gained some confidence, Nami!" Robin laughed.

"Call me Niles!" She smirked as they reached the edge of the town. "Are you ready, Lark?"

"Let's go— the marines are waiting for us!"

"Lead the way!"


	11. Team Repo

Luffy, Sanji, and Franky relaxed under the shade of a café awning, pretending to peruse their menus with Brook, who stood stock still amongst the shrubs and trees of the café's garden. Brook fluffed his afro which was dyed green to look like leaves on a tree. He was dressed in all brown with green gloves to make his arms look like spindly branches, and his face was expertly spray painted green by Usopp. A low cast-iron gate separated the three from the greenery, but they were close enough to whisper to each other when no one was looking. The little café was practically next door to the marine base, and half of the customers were in the service. Franky and Sanji anxiously hiked up the collars of their jean jackets when they felt the gazes of some customers linger, but Luffy seemed too interested in the dessert selection to notice, drool dripping from his mouth.

"What kind of shitty marine base is going to let a goddamn living pirate skeleton sashay through in broad daylight?" Sanji flicked his thumb on a dying lighter until it graced him with its final flame. Sucking his teeth at the overused thing, he chucked it into a nearby geyser that immediately erupted with a fresh jet of water which, for some reason, was surprisingly blinding. Sanji, Brook, Franky, and Luffy shielded their eyes until the water settled again. "And what the hell is with this island?! It wasn't enough that the coral was flashy so now the geysers?!"

"The geysers are actually the secret to the marine base, Sanji san," Brook whispered. "You can find their ships below the mountain. The marines sail them into the island on a river, and then they travel through a passageway in the mountain. Inside, there's a room that is quite remarkable! There are geysers everywhere! Some are not as a tall as others but, there are doorways that-"

"That lead to a meat vault?!"

"Not exactly, Luffy san, they-"

"Oh man, I remember the meat that I had at Navarone! Sanji, do you remember?! Those guys were so awesome- they let me eat so much food! Brook, does this place have a big kitchen?"

"I did not check for one, but-"

"We should check for one when we get inside! I still don't know what Sana eats… we'll just grab everything and see what happens. OH!" Luffy pointed to an exceptionally large looking cake overflowing with chocolate sauce and cookie crumbs and turned to Sanji. "Do _you_ know how to make this?!"

Sanji cocked an eyebrow at him and snatched the menu from his hands. "I can make anything," he snapped. He tucked the menu into the apron of a passing waiter and turned his attention to Brook, but Luffy wasn't done.

"'Anything'?" he snickered. A nerve ticked in Sanji's head and he flicked the captain in the face.

" _Anything_ ," he said.

"Ok then, when we get back on the ship, can you please make everything?!"

"Every what?"

"Everything! Make all the food! That way you can prove that you know how to make anything!"

"W- what do you mean make everything?! Like all the food on the ship? Or-"

"All the food in the world!" Sanji immediately leapt out of his seat and grabbed the vase of flowers from the table to shove down Luffy's throat.

"Why don't you eat _this_ you no good shitty rubber band, ungrateful ass, piece of—' _EVERYTHING'_ AND ' _ANYTHING'_ ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!"

"Do you think he'll stretch out and swallow it or will he try to spit it out?" Franky wondered as the cook continued to try to force the glass down Luffy's throat as he frantically struggled to back away.

"Luffy san eats anything… yes?"

"But I gotta believe the kid has standards…"

"Maybe it is a natural reflex to consume whatever is placed in his mouth?"

"OW! Let's put money on it then! Two hundred beri! Papa wants a fresh glass of cola!"

"Two hundred beris, oh my! These days that's like betting an arm and a leg since money is so tight… but I guess coming from me that still wouldn't be much! YOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! YOU'VE GOT A DEAL!"

"Can I help you, gentlemen?" a waitress stopped by their table and shot a concerned look at Luffy who had turned red with watering eyes.

"Nah sister, beat it," Franky pushed his sunglasses further up his nose but didn't look at her, too fixated by the slowly disappearing vase.

"Well, sir, we don't tolerate violence so I am going to have to ask you all to… um… sir…" the waitress hesitated and then took a step back. "We don't serve people who are not wearing pants!"

"OW! THIS IS PART OF MY SUUUUUUPER STYLE!"

"You look like a pervert!"

"Y-you really mean that?! Oh man, am I flattered," Franky got up and struck a pose when Luffy let out a terrible gagging noise that grabbed his attention again. "Oi, oi, oi, _captain_! That aint meat! You better not swallow that!"

"Do what feels natural to you, Luffy san!" Brook whispered, but zipped his lips when the waitress whipped around to him.

"Did that tree just-"

"Ah, _mademoiselle_!" Sanji had given up on shoving the vase completely down his Captain's throat and settled on having it firmly lodged in his jaws. He plucked the reddest flower from the vase and fixed it into her blonde curls. She blushed as he leaned in close and whispered in her ear. "I would make an order but there is nothing on this menu that looks more sumptuous than the dark chocolate of your lovely eyes," He brought her hand to his lips. "May I trouble you for your name?"

Her eyelashes fluttered in shock, but she gently withdrew her hand and looked away. "M-my name is Marinette… and I will be your server today, but…but that's only if you abide by our restaurant's policies!" she managed to squeak out.

"' _Marinette_ '," Sanji breathed. "It's like the tinkling of bells on a calm, snowy night. It's lovely. I understand your distress at our barbaric actions and frankly, I am embarrassed that you had to witness it. We'll behave from now on, so do you mind giving us a second chance?"

"' _Us'_ he says. _He_ was the one gagging a kid in public…" Franky muttered. The waitress frowned at Luffy who, despite the large ornate vase lodged in his mouth, seemed fine but completely bored as he flicked the napkin on the table. Marinette looked back at Sanji's pleading blue eyes, but quickly averted her gaze.

"There is still the matter of our dress code…" she huffed defensively, drawing her notebook up to her chest.

"What? I think he looks super! Do you _see_ those shades?" Franky objected.

"Not him— _you_ ," she looked down her nose at Franky.

"I thought you said I look like a pervert!"

"THAT'S EXACTLY THE PROBLEM!"

"To tell me to put on pants is to tell me I'm not a man!"

"In that case, _madam_ , would you please put some pants on?!"

"OK, SISTER, YOU CROSSED THE LINE—I MEAN, WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT FROM SOMEONE AS SUPER AS ME?" Franky got up too, his height and raised tones attracting the attention of a few customers—including the marines.

"I don't find you 'super' at all. Furthermore, I will have to ask you to leave if you refuse to put on pants _and_ if you continue to make a scene!"

"OW! Is that so? Well then-"

"Well then, I guess we'll have to lay low for our beautiful server, Marinette!" Sanji stepped in between Franky and the waitress and forced the cyborg back into his chair before wheeling around on the girl with a charming grin. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and maneuvered her a bit away from the table. "Our friend is a bit… odd," he muttered. "He's been that way ever since the War of the Best… crazy fiasco with some shitty ex-convicts—you've heard of it right? Our marines sure went through a lot that day and Fra-" he glanced around at some of the customers who were still curiously peering at their table. "Francisco… Francisco has not worn pants since that day. We don't understand it ourselves but we all mourn in different ways… don't we, Marinette?" She looked over her shoulder at Franky who had somehow vastly improved the structure of the table with nothing but spoons as tools during the span that the two were not looking at him. He gave a thumbs up to Sanji. "That's his way of saying 'I'm sorry'. Do you accept his apology?" Marinette shrugged him off and reluctantly returned to the table. She took a pen out of her apron and turned to a new page in her notebook.

"What can I get you?"

"Nothing for now sister—we're still deciding. And listen, I'm really s- CAPTAIN, DON'T SWALLOW THAT—YOU'LL JACK UP YOUR SYSTEMS!" Luffy had sporadically choked the vase down like a desperate snake and belched out several flower petals.

"Actually, Waitress san, I'm starving so I'll take some breadsticks to start us off and then I'll have-" Luffy picked up Franky's menu but Sanji firmly gripped his shoulder and gave him a look that made him wilt back into his seat.

" _Mari chan_ ~~…" Sanji sang softly, but did not show her his livid face. "We're going to need a few more moments, if you don't mind…"

"YOU JUST COST ME 200 BERIS, YOU LITTLE MONSTER! WHO ON EARTH SWALLOWS _GLASS_?!"

"WHAT?! I WAS HUNGRY, AND YOU WERE GOING TO TELL THE WAITRESS WE DON'T WANT ANY FOOD!"

"VASES AREN'T FOOD!"

"FLOWERS ARE… SORT OF FOOD!"

"ARE _YOU_ GOING TO BUY ME A COLA? BECAUSE NOW I CAN'T—I'M OUT OF ALL THE MONEY I HAD LEFT!"

"JUST ORDER SOME COLA HERE! WE CAN PAY THEM BACK LATER!"

" _HOW?_ "

"WE'LL JUST COME BACK AND PAY THEM WHEN WE HAVE THE MONEY!"

"U-um, that is _NOT_ how our payment policy works!"

"DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE?! OR DID THAT FERTILIZER GET TO YOUR BRAIN?"

" _Sanji san, I will be taking my leave now_ ," Brook breathed under the ruckus of Franky, Luffy and Marinette's bickering. Sanji jumped, but resisted the urge to look at him and kept his voice low.

"Brook, how the hell are you getting in? Nami san and Robin chan should be inside by now, and you're supposed to be our surveillance so…"

"'Brook'? No… as of now, I am Sir Spruce. Our time to shine has come. _That_ is my way in."

Sanji looked at the road to see a parade of marines lugging in lumber, bricks, and mortar along with all manner of heavy artillery and tools into the marine base.

"What's going on?"

"It's the marine base. It's only half built—the south side is still under construction!" Brook informed him. "You do remember where I told you three to wait, right? Go there on my signal, and I'll have uniforms waiting there for each of you." A few marines were pushing a massive cart loaded with young tree saplings that were ready to be planted, and Brook hopped on without anyone noticing as everyone's attention was directed at Franky, who had hoisted Luffy into the air by his ankle much to Marinette's horror. He winked at Sanji and mouthed _"On my signal!"_ before disappearing behind the ivory gates.

Patting his pocket in search of his lighter, Sanji put out his cigarette before realizing that he had thrown the thing away. He sighed and turned to Luffy and Franky at the table. "Oi, Captain, Francisco, we're leaving."

"Who the hell is Francisco?" Luffy blubbered, Franky dangling him in the air by both ankles now in an attempt get him to cough up the long gone vase.

"Oh, didn't you know, Captain? That's our shipwright's real name… or something… just don't think too hard about it and-"

"I thought it was Buddy Cram!"

"WHO THE HELL IS THAT BASTARD?!" Franky bellowed as he slammed Luffy onto the ground causing Marinette to shriek. Several of the marines backed up in their chairs to get a better look at the table.

"Or was it Cruddy Spam?!"

"DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE PEOPLE YOU LET ONTO YOUR SHIP?!"

"Oi, Francisco, let it go. Captain being a shitty, no-good dumb ass is old news. In today's news it's time for us to-"

"It is time for you to _leave_!" Marinette bellowed, literally stamping her foot. "You have caused quite enough commotion, so I need all three of you to _leave_!"

"I was just about to say that, sweetheart," Sanji cooed and turned to Luffy. "Captain, would you-"

"And do you really think I should believe that _he_ is a ship _captain_?!" Marinette interjected.

"Uuuuh… yeah, I guess that's pretty unreasonable but yeah… he definitely is the captain."

"He's the captain of _what_ , exactly?! Only _pirates_ could be this idiotic!"

"Oh, that's because I'm Mon-"

"Montery... his name is Montery, and he is the captain of our whaling ship," Sanji glared at Luffy who gave him an equally sour look for halting his infamous introduction. "And he wants to be the king of the whalers… or something shitty like that."

"The king… of whalers…" Marinette repeated dully.

"Trust me, you don't want to ask more, girlie," Franky gruffly replied and drew up his collar.

"Yes, so please excuse us, we'll be out of your lovely, luscious hair from now on," Sanji turned to Luffy again and pointed to a package containing Zoro's swords leaning against the table. "Monterey, grab that and hand it to me, would you? We need to get a move on or we'll be running behind schedule," Luffy did as he was told and headed towards the gate before turning around.

"Uuuum… Waitress San… Can I get a takeout conta-"

"LET IT GO!" Franky shoved him through the gate and Sanji was right on the cyborg's heels when he looked over his shoulder at Marinette.

"Oh yeah… mademoiselle… I know we've caused you enough trouble already but…" he hesitated and drummed his fingers on his thigh. "You wouldn't happen to have a lighter… would you?"

"I don't smoke," she huffed, and stalked away into the café. Sanji dragged his hand down his face and moaned, shuffling after the other two who were bickering fiercely about whether a human could poop out glass.

"This is gonna suck…"

* * *

Author's note: there's a new picture! i forgot to tell you, it's supposed to be Scout! I love her... I'm not much of an artist but i still wanted to share my baby with you lol. anyways, thanks for reading!


	12. G420

It was exactly as Brook told Sanji. The marine base was under construction and only a few offices, some underground prison cells, and the front gates were finished, but on either side of these gates were several tented canteens for the marines to relax in the shade and grab a bite before continuing with building. Brook and Robin had set up a tent here which served their purposes quite well. A marine or two had poked their heads in, but when they saw that there was no food, they left. No one questioned why Sanji, Franky, and Luffy were out of uniform either, because the base had hired a few specialists to guide the marines in construction and the trio's rough jeans and worn T-shirts made them look like the temporary hires. Besides Luffy attempting to sneak out of the tent to snatch food from the other canteens, there were no mishaps. They had managed to walk with ease into a den of bears without getting devoured, but they weren't quite out of harm's way—Brook had yet to drop off the uniforms. Time was ticking. And Sanji was too.

He paced and repeatedly ran an agitated hand through his hair when he wasn't shooting daggers at the tent entrance as if the skeleton would waltz in with uniforms at any moment. Franky refused to light his cigarette with fresh fire because he was saving his already sparse cola for a fight and he warned the cook not to do diable jamble just yet in case he was seen by one of the marines—besides, lighting a cigarette with an attack was a super waste, Franky had argued. Sanji gave him a disgusted look as if he did not know him, but held off any way.

"Sanji, I could give you a good gomu gomu no red hawk! That would light your cigarette!" Luffy got up eagerly and skipped over to the cook. "Just put your cigarette in and I'll aim it at your face!"

"Really? Thanks, Luffy, I really appreciate it," Sanji took out a stick that Franky slapped out of his hand.

"ARE YOU INSANE, LUFFY?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL THE GUY?!"

"What?! He said he was fine with it! He's a man! let him decide for himself!" Luffy protested and Franky lifted him by the back of the collar like a kitten.

"And what are you gonna do when you bash his face in and set it on fire?"

"No, no, it's fine, Franky. I've had worse, just let him do it," Sanji pleaded as he readied another cigarette.

"What the hell could be worse than a flaming, crushed skull?!"

"Not having a goddamn cigarette because a pansy robot won't let me make my own shitty choices!"

"I'm a cyborg, asshole! And you're damn right it's a shitty choice! You've seen how hard this kid punches! He'll knock you to kingdom come and then we'll be looking for a new cook in the New World!"

"Oh c'mon I won't punch him _that_ hard! Sanji is my nakama! I would just give him… a baby hawk… it won't hurt that much, honest!"

"Now listen here you little two bit prepubescent rubber-" Sanji yanked Luffy out of Franky's grip before he could finish the threat.

"HURRY, LUFFY! DO IT!"

"YOSH! GOMU GOMU NO… _RED HAW_ -"

"Um, please pardon the intrusion-" Luffy fell over in surprise, less than a second before obliterating Sanji with a punch that was so dazzling, the heat radiating from it was enough to singe his cigarette down to the nub and burn his lips. Franky punched him hard in the gut.

"DIE ON YOUR OWN TIME, ASSBROW!" he was clearly relieved. The two marines standing in the tent entrance seemed shocked though. One was clutching an over large uniform and the other some official looking documents. The one holding the documents spoke up first and nervously held the papers in front of them.

"S-s-sir… w-w-we have orders, sir, t-t-to report to this canteen. Ensign Curly, reporting for duty, sir!"

"Ensign Boot, reporting for duty, sir!" They both saluted and the three stared at them blankly which made them so nervous they could pee. "W-w-we were also t-t-told to bring you your uniform, C-C-Captain Barnaby, sir!" The other marine handed the uniform to Franky and bowed. Franky took the clothes, and looked to Sanji and Luffy as if they were in on a joke that he wasn't but they returned his look with equally confused glances.

"Your name is Boot? Is it because you're a dumbass?" Luffy asked, and Boot began to tear up.

"And then that guy's name is Curly. That's super unfortunate."

"What would you expect from a bunch of shitty marines? They have absolutely no charisma," Sanji sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes at Boot and Curly who were both on their knees fighting back sobs. "Oh, wait a second… do either of you have a light?"

"N-n-n-n-n-"

"Spit it out, Boot!"

"SIR, NO, SIR! NEITHER OF US SMOKE, SIR!"

"See what I'm talking about? This shit right here. Not only do they lack charisma, they're useless," Sanji moaned and tossed their documents aside. Curly and Boot had completely given up resisting and were sobbing, face down on the ground, anguished at their fake superiors' distaste for their existence. "And just where the _hell_ is Brook?!"

"Oi, Eyebrows bro," Franky had picked the documents up to read and handed them back to Sanji. "You might want to read their orders."

Sanji raised an agitated eyebrow but Franky gave him an insistent look. He snatched them back to read.

"Is it an order to report to the kitchen? Because I mean, orders are orders, you know…" Luffy trailed off.

"Navy ID 654788 Ensign Boot Willies and Navy ID 223008 Ensign Curly Wilmer are to report to Canteen No. 26 to answer to Navy ID 8744239 Captain Derby Q. Barnaby in 0200 hours. They are to assist Captain Barnaby and his subordinates with both their mind and bodies, since I do not have a body to assist them with. Yohohohohoho. Signed, Commodore Puff." Sanji read out loud. "No… nothing about a kitchen…"

"Shoot."

"But, it seems Brook came through with the uniforms…"

"Really?! Where is he? OI! BROOK! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"No, Luffy, he had them delivered," he wrinkled his nose at Curly and Boot as he balled up the orders, "And it seems as if he's giving us extra work to do, the bastard." Luffy sneered and rolled up his sleeves while Franky began to change into his uniform.

" _Shishishishishishi…_ Boot san…. I like your headband. Can I have it?"

"E-e-e-excuse me, s-s-sir?" Boot looked up at a beaming Luffy.

"Don't ask, Luffy. _Take_ ," Sanji grimaced and through his jacket to the ground, "Quick and dirty is gonna get the job done faster so I can finally get a light."

"Alright," he replied and punched Boot out cold.

* * *

҉

The further down you went inside Mount Blunt, the more unbearably humid the air became. Dew slid down the rocky walls and coated the floor in a warm, slippery slick. The air was so dense that when Zoro jolted awake in his cell, he thought that if he squeezed his cuffed hands, he would feel it ooze out of his fingers like gel. Sweat glued his clothes to his body and he was never aware of his own weight until this moment as someone had chained his wrists to the wall so that his feet dangled inches above the ground. But it was the moisture that had built up in his clothes that weighed him down, and it was so suffocating that when he gasped for air, he felt as if he had swallowed a mouth full of honey. When his eyes had adjusted to the semi darkness, he realized that rows upon rows of marines were facing him through the bars of his cell, each one armed with a gun, and each one with grave poker faces. Zoro couldn't see where the rows stopped.

"Oi…" he rasped, "What time is it?" There was no answer. "It feels like it could be dark by now…" he looked around and saw the shadow of a face gazing at him from behind another set of bars. "What about you? You got the time?"

"Man… I think I know you from somewhere… like… your face is _so_ familiar…" the prisoner gargled out, his throat obviously being affected by the thick atmosphere too.

"I don't think we've met. What about the time?"

"Yeah, man… _time_ … it was like… ages ago, ya know? But I still kinda remember you… from _somewhere_. You know what I mean?"

"No."

"Well… it's killing me, man…help me out here…"

"You help me out first. You got the time or not?"

"It's time to _eat_ … isn't it? I'm _starving_ …"

"How long have you been down here?"

"I don't know, man… like… it's been a while, I guess. Because… it was a Monday… and then like… this crazy fight… and that lasted _forever_ … it was _so_ crazy. And then _that_ , took like… I don't even know… but the fight wore me out so I was like nowhere near prepared for _that_ … but _that_ took like, I don't know a month…. So that means…" he seemed to go over some numbers in his head before continuing, "Wait… what time is it?"

"Oh, for the love of-" A shot fired next to his ear and stopped him short. The guard in the center of the front row did it, and he blew the smoke away from the end of the barrel as he met Zoro's eyes.

"No more talking," he drawled. "Four battle ships are on their way to escort you to Impel Down, so the time is the least of your worries. Now, I _suggest_ you keep quiet until that time comes, understand?" Zoro snickered and rolled his eyes. The marines stirred a bit, and Zoro succumbed to a fit of laughter.

"You want me to _keep quiet_? _Why_? You afraid I'll kill you just by _talking_ to you? If your will is _that_ weak you should leave," he howled, tears streaming down his face. A threatening metallic clicking resounded throughout the underground prison as every single marine pointed and cocked their guns at Zoro who was now laughing uncontrollably. When he gathered his senses he tilted his head at them and shrugged his shoulders.

"Go ahead. _Do it_." The marine who shot at him earlier seemed uncomfortable as he exchanged glances with his neighbors. "If you're confident that me asking for the time is worth robbing the World Government of a public execution, _do it_." No one lowered their guns but the atmosphere had changed considerably, and it seemed as if the number of marines guarding Zoro's cell had suddenly shrunk. "Hm. I guess you bastards aren't completely brainless." He grinned.

"Man… that's like… the most… _intense_ … yeah like… the most intense thing that has ever like… happened… as far as I can remember, man. Who _are_ you?"

"A pirate."

"Right on, man, me too, me too..."

Zoro sighed and tried to stretch his limbs. He cracked his neck a few times and when he looked up, a familiar blue eye was peering down at him from above the cell bars. He raised a dubious eyebrow at it before it vanished in a puff of flower petals. "Oh, so you're just gonna run away?" he sucked his teeth and closed his eyes to the marines who were clearly perturbed by the prisoner who seemed to be talking to himself now—one marine even stole a quick glance behind him to find the person who was supposedly fleeing.

"H-he's losing it. I think the pressure of the reality he is facing is finally getting to him!" one marine spluttered.

"Of course he is! No one can be calm when there are _four_ battle ships coming for their ass!"

"Is that it, you pirate scum, are you getting scared now?!"

"He was probably still asleep before—there's no way he could be that confident!"

"You awake now, pirate?!" Soft snores echoed throughout the cave.

"H-HE'S ASLEEP!" a marine exclaimed when another, fainter sound permeated the prison and shook the walls. Looking anxiously about them, the guards trembled with their weapons still raised as they gave Zoro's sleeping form a horrified look.

"Y-y-you know, I've heard of this happening before," one began, "He has the power to turn into a demon when he sleeps. We won't be able to see him and before you know it, we'll be dead!"

"Really?!"

"N-n-no, I think you've got the wrong pirate… that sounds like Bavenmish…"

"That aint it… it's Calderfish…"

"That sounds kind of tasty…"

"It was some pretty boy on a horse…"

"Was it Cabbagedish?"

"Even tastier…"

" _None_ of those are it, but either way, that's not this guy's power."

"Yeah, yeah… I'm pretty sure he turns into a demon when he's _awake_. He grows three heads and everything!"

"Seriously?! I _don't_ want to be around for that!"

"Well he's asleep now, so we should be fine… _right_?"

"Then what the hell is this shaking?! Is the three headed demon awakening anyways?!"

"No…" All the marines cocked their heads at the ceiling to listen better. The sound was louder, like a rush of excited shouting mixed with a continuous beat.

"Is…is that… is that _music_?!"

"Man, that is a _sick_ beat!" His head bobbed in the shadows and several moans seeped out of the darkness as the music had roused the other prisoners from their slumber. The marines, befuddled, looked around for the source of the music but reluctant grins played across their faces. Some started to sway to the beat, and eventually one marine ran off. They trickled off one or two at a time before they all stampeded out at once, unable to contain themselves.

"Be free little fuckers! Go find the music, man!" the other prisoner cheered them on as they sprinted for the exit. Suddenly, a pair of hands sprouted from the wall and snatched the marine who had shot at Zoro, but none of his comrades noticed in their frenzy. When they had all left, another hand reached into his pocket and withdrew a key before the other two snapped his neck and let his lifeless corpse slump to the ground.

"What just… _oh man_ … that's some gnarly shit… am I trippin'?!" One hand tried to shove the key into the lock, but it didn't fit, so it passed it along to other hands that had blossomed along the prison wall and stopped at Zoro. The key fit his shackles, and they clanked open, releasing him so that he plummeted to the ground and jolted awake again. "I really must be trippin'!"

Zoro yawned and massaged his wrists. "Robin," he grumbled, "I'm assuming you have a damn good explanation for this?" Her head sprouted from the floor of his cell and gave him a shy grin.

"Only if you're ready to listen to me this time," she teased.

* * *

Author's note: you know, it was actually difficult for me to decide who should be in the jail cell. At first it was going to be nami, but I thought that would actually be pretty sad since she's been a prisoner before as a kid. Zoro can handle it though, I think. ps. anyone else stressed about the first month back in school? i know i am...


	13. Apology

"I've never tasted this before... was it on the ship?"

"Not until recently, it wasn't. It is actually Nami's creation. Do you like it?"

Zoro smirked at the Mason jar of deep orange liqueur and swilled it around before taking another swig. "Kind of sour but…not bad," he blubbered through the drink. He downed half of it and gave the jar an appreciative whistle. "It's really got a kick to it!"

"I remember Nami saying that as a child, she observed her mother make liqueur out of tangerines to sell in town and, having seen it done so many times, she more or less memorized the process," Robin's head recounted. "It was my idea to give you some as an apology. Do you accept it?"

"Now that I know what's going on, it's really not a big deal anymore. Speaking of, you should've come out with that plan of yours to begin with. For all I knew, you and Nami were taking a page out of Blackbeard's book!"

Robin frowned. "I doubt that man even reads, Zoro. How dare you compare me to him?" He shrugged and took another hearty gulp, when a hand sprouted from his shoulder and pinched his cheek. Alcohol gushed from his mouth and wet his front. " _OI_!"

"In any case, I'm glad that you are not in any worse condition. I've read about some dreadful prisons that string their captives up by the ankles to drown their brains in their own blood until they die. Compared to them, I would say you are quite lucky.

"So morbid…"

"I didn't really expect that guard to have the key to your cell, but at least I was able to make you a bit more comfortable until the others break you out. I have to go now though—it seems as if Brook has stirred up some trouble…"

"Oh.. _wait_! What about my katanas?!"

"Sanji kun and the others will bring them when they break you out, now-"

"You gave _Dartboard_ my katanas?!"

"The marines would have confiscated them if we had not-"

"Better _them_ than that idiot cook!"

"Highly irrational…"

"What if he gets a chink in one of the blades?! They ain't kitchen knives, you know!"

"Indeed, they are not," and her head vanished in a flurry of petals leaving Zoro disgruntled on the floor of his prison cell.

"OI! _ROBIN_!" He bellowed at the shadowy spot where she had just been. "TELL HIM IF I FIND ONE SCRATCH ON THEM, I'LL MINCE HIM!" His threat was met with nothing but his own echoes and the groans of his fellow prisoners. He sucked his teeth and brought the jar back to his mouth briefly before retracting it. "Why is it so _sour_?! Great buzz, but it's like I'm eating a lemon!" he smacked his lips and took another short sip. " _Really_ nice buzz…though" he relaxed against the wall when he felt the prisoner opposite him staring again. "Can I help you?"

"Man… where'd that hot, head-floor-chick go?"

"Dunno."

"She coming back?"

"Probably not."

"When she comes back… can she like… can she bring me whatever it is you're having?"

"I said she's not coming back."

"You look… _so_ … mellow, man. If head-babe ain't coming back… can I… like… get a nip of that?"

"No."

"Bummer…hey… can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

"Oh man! You got me! HA!" the prisoner burst out in dimwitted laughter and Zoro rolled his eyes as he took another quick sip. "Hey… but like… for real," the prisoner started again, regaining his senses. "Do I _know_ you from somewhere?" Zoro took a break from the Mason jar and set it down next to him. He stood, and sauntered to the bars to try to pick his chatty neighbor's face out of the shade. A flame from a torch nearest the cell flickered and illuminated his face, so that Zoro got a fleeting glimpse of bushy hair framing a long, gaunt face. The prisoner had one long scar on his face reaching from his hairline to his chin, dividing his features into neat halves. Despite the extreme humidity and temperature, no one had thought to replace his thick hoodie and sweats with something that breathed. The only consolation he probably had was his flip flops. The prisoner raised an eyebrow at him and grinned lazily. "Well?" he urged.

"Never seen you in my life," he returned to his drink.


End file.
